Over at OF Blog of the Fallen, Larry has put up a bunch of seemingly random and bizarre questions for folks to answer. The following are my equally silly responses:
1. Do you believe that global warming could be ameliorated if there were more pirates in the world?
Unfortunately, no. Because pirates have a tendency to burn things — such as boats and makeshift cigarettes and small coastal towns ripe for the picking — they contribute at least 50 times the amount of atmospheric pollutants as all volcanoes combined. In truth, to stop global warming, we would have to systematically hunt down and imprison all pirates. I’m told the Federated League of Ninjas is waiting for the call…
2. What is the last book you read and would you recommend it to a hobo who likes to speak in alliterations?
Libidinal Economy by Jean-Francois Lyotard. And, no, I would not recommend it to an
alliterating hobo, as to do so would constitute a violation of the Violence Against Hobos Act of 1996.
3. Which cartoon group, the Smurfs or the Care Bears, would most likely be condemned by “family” groups today?
The Smurfs, obviously. They look and act suspiciously like immigrants, and they’re always pestering Gargamel, who is nothing less than an honest businessman.
4. Should there be more catfights among SF Fandom and/or authors?
Yes. In fact, I think SF needs to announce a state of emergency and immediately start an internal war to cull the unworthy from its masses. There are too many people in this community who shouldn’t be here; we should do what we can to get rid of them, just like the Smurfs.
5. When I finally decide to post a photo of myself here, should I go with a beret or just merely a scarf wrapped around my neck in a diffident manner?
Oh, Larry, you should always go for a beret. It is appropriately pretentious and, as the Internet has taught me, it makes it easy for people to dismiss you as nothing more than a Condescending Liberal Grad Student (even though you are nothing of the sort). Or you could go for a scarf if you just want people to think you drink coffee…
6. Does book porn make you think inappropriate literary thoughts?
Yes. I’m currently on trial for indecent acts with a book or book-like object. This is the result of excessive amounts of images of book covers and people’s book collections, which are available all over the net… Make sure to check your local laws to avoid landing you in prison for overlying enjoying book porn.
7. If you have a Twitter account, how many literate squirrels do you follow on there?
That I’m allowed to tell you about? One. But there are many others who wish to remain anonymous. They work for the Ministry of Knowledge in the central government of Squirreltopia. To tell you their names would jeopardize their missions…
8. Which genre of books should I review more often: pirates, westerns, ninjas, squirrels, Shatner?
Shatner ninjas. Duh!
9. If you could get me to ask any question to any author, what would be the most inappropriate question that would come to mind and to which author would you want that question addressed?
To China Mieville: “Have you ever considered writing Hentai?”
10. What was the best book that you ever read and ended up kicking across a room?
I don’t kick books. I molest them and occasionally sniff their pages, but I believe it a sin to physically harm books. You can psychologically damage them, though.
11. What is more erotic, the sound of pages turning or the smell of an old book’s binding?
The latter. But I’m weird. As previously mentioned, I sniff books. I sniff books a lot…
That is all.