Why I’ll Never Buy A Mac or Anything By Apple


This was all inspired by a recent viewing of this most excellent funny video about Bill Gates on his last day at Microsoft. It’s a spoof video with real people in it and it’s quite brilliant and an example of why Microsoft is so much better than Apple anyway. I have a lot of reasons besides being an avid Windows user as to why I will not buy anything from Apple. And here it is the list:

  • iPods actually suck. I’ve used one. And everyone I know who has owned one has watched the darn thing die over and over. My sister’s broke, and a friend of mine had hers break at least six times. The batteries suck too. I have a Creative Zen Vision:M 30 GB and it can do a lot of things many of the iPods can and the darn thing is practically perfect.
  • The iPhone is overpriced and Apple is being sued for some hundreds of millions over patent infringement.
  • Seeing Apple products get blown up in movies makes me laugh. Seeing Microsoft products (except Windows ME) get blown up makes me cry.
  • Windows is a superior operating system for a lot of reasons. In fact, it’s so superior that if not for Bill Gates making sure poor Apple stayed afloat it would have become a monopoly. Remember, you Apple folks owe it to Gates for your existence. Bow to Windows in all its glory.
  • When Windows breaks you can fix it by yourself and it’s really not that hard. When Macs break it’s not the same.
  • Jesus doesn’t like Macs. Yes, I’ve asked him. He told me in a dinner conversation with Joseph and Moses. By the way, apparently Lucifer is a huge mac fan. Not sure what that means, but he was banished to hell for a reason…
  • I refuse to buy anything that freezes when I try to print a document. Yes, this happened to me on Campus. I clicked “print” and the window froze. I had no idea how to close it and neither did anyone else and I tried forcing the program to end and it wouldn’t. If Mac OS freezes on something that simple, why should I bother using it? You know what I have to do to get my Windows PC to freeze? I don’t because it rarely ever happens. The blue screen of death? Never seen it. The worst I’ve ever had with Windows is a virus, which was easy to remove. You might see it as a flaw that Windows has viruses, but remember that if the Mac takes any sizable portion of the OS market it will have virus problems too. And they are going to suck really bad. You know what I’ll be doing when that happens? Laughing so hard that milk shoots out my nose because it’s ACTUALLY FUNNY. And Apple will deserve it for the next thing on the list.
  • Apple and Apple people lie…a lot. You know those cute little Mac commercials? They are 90% B.S. In fact, Apple should have an honorary B.S. degree for those things. They exaggerate everything as a smear tactic, which I think is remarkably pathetic. If Apple is so great, why should it have to smear Windows just to get a bone. I’ve yet to see Windows, the OS with class, do any such videos.
    As a rule, I don’t buy products from companies that have annoying commercials or smear the competition just as I don’t vote for politicians that do the same thing. If you want me to buy your product you should give me a reason to, not make me hate you.
  • Microsoft doesn’t have DRM like Apple does in their iTunes market. DRM is stupid. Well, maybe they do, but I don’t know where it is and they’re not cramming it in my face like iTunes.
  • iTunes sucks. I’ve used it, it sucks, it’s annoying, and I shouldn’t have to use some stupid program to put files on my mp3 player. I just drag and drop and Windows Media Player keeps my files all organized for me.
  • The PC gods wrote on Stonehenge: “Windows doth rule.”
  • Umm, because using Apple computers with Intel hardware to run Windows is way too much freaking work. I can just turn on my PC and Windows just goes.
  • I can’t play my computer games on a Mac.
  • I can’t do the things I can do on my Windows PC on a Mac, contrary to popular belief.
  • I don’t need fancy programs and user-unfriendliness in an OS. I like my OS to be simple and easy to use. Windows is easy to use. “Start”…how much clearer could that button be?
  • I refuse to join in to the pandering masses of Mac users who think Mac is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It’s not, get over it. It might be the greatest thing since sliced bread shaped as triangles, but it’s not better than sliced bread. I can’t make a sandwich out of a Mac.
  • I already know how to use Windows. Why should I switch when Mac offers me nothing I want? That’d be like finding out that your Cheerios were turned into Cheerisquares and lost all nutritional value.
  • Because people at Mac are stupid enough to build space probes and shuttles that use Mac software as a basis. Windows people aren’t because they know what will happen if the system crashes. Macs are sort of like that accident we had a while ago where the scientists forgot to convert properly into metric…
  • Bill Gates is cooler than Steve Jobs. Did you watch the video? Yeah, so much better. Look at that A-list cast!
  • In nature the following number sequence shows up in relation to all things coming to life: 23, 9, 14, 4, 15, 23, 19. In relation to all things dying you get: 13, 1, 3. (Yes, those the alphanumeric values of Windows and Mac…I worked it out)
  • Because Mac people are delusional. When I say Mac people I mean those folks that cling to their Macs the way a 1980s nerd clings to a first sexual experience with a real woman. Macs are not better. In fact, history has proven this. If it was better it would have stomped Windows a long time ago, but it never did. Why? Because Windows is better. It’s easier to program for, it’s more useful, and easy to use. That’s why it’s been on the top of the market since…well, since forever.
  • Because Macs are responsible for Jar Jar Binks. Yes, I’ve heavily researched this and I am thoroughly convinced that Macs were the reason Lucas decided not to use the R2D2/C-3PO comedy bit!

That certainly was a lot of fun.

About the Author:

Shaun Duke is an aspiring writer, a reviewer, and an academic. He is currently an Assistant Professor of Digital Rhetoric and Writing at Bemidji State University. He received his PhD in English from the University of Florida and studies science fiction, postcolonialism, digital fan cultures, and digital rhetoric.

13 thoughts on “Why I’ll Never Buy A Mac or Anything By Apple

  1. Yeah, Vista ain’t perfect, but if it came between a Mac and Vista, I’d take Vista any day because Mac’s were endorsed by Hitler…so…of course I’m being silly there.

    What don’t you agree with?

  2. OMG! That made me laugh in a good-hearted way, from the video and all your statements ๐Ÿ™‚

    I work in the IT field and as of recent, I support both platforms. I must say I’m enjoying Apple over Microsoft. It has dependability and creativity from my experiences. Then again, I wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for Gates.

    All I can say is thank goodness we live in America and have the right to have different views.

    One side note: How about Microsoft’s Zune for an MP3 player??? It’s not compatible with their OS & should be. You have to have special software to use it rather than utilizing WMP. It’s nice to hear the Zen works good. I have been fortunate with my video iPod.

  3. Yeah, the Zune is an example of “Apple-izing” things. I.E. making products that are supposed to be compatible with everything but really aren’t. My sister’s iPod, made by a company that supposedly prides itself on being compatible with everything, wouldn’t work no matter how hard she tried on her computer and it had nothing to do with Windows…it was just Apple’s crappiness.

    The Zune, however, does have some awesome features. It offers a way to share files temporarily with other Zune owners so you can sort of find new songs you’d like to go ‘buy’. As far as I know the iPod doesn’t do that, unless they just started doing it.
    The Zume, still, is exactly why Apple is evil. Apple is influencing things when it shouldn’t be. Thankfully they haven’t applied Apple-crap to Windows. Leave my OS alone :P.

  4. Are you kidding? Vista is the worst bits of Windows (instability) mixed with the worst bits of Mac (incomprehensible menus and an inability to get the damn thing to do what you want)!

    It even looks more Apple-ised.

  5. This is coming from the person that betrayed Microsoft for Apple and dared to show me an Apple Logo through a webcam…*holds up his fingers like a cross*

    Vista isn’t that bad. You just think it is.

  6. Out of the two of us, who is more qualified to say Vista is bad?

    And I did not *betray* Microsoft. Am I typing this on a mac? Nope. Windows XP is my favourite operating system. The kinks in it are like a rut you’ve worn in a favourite chair. I’m just not totally closed off to the idea of other operating systems. I’m testing out Linux alongside mac. :p ‘Cept I set up my VMware wrong and it’s kinda slow and hard to tell if it’s any good …

    (And crosses don’t work against apple signs)

  7. Unless you invented Microsoft you have no more qualifications than I do. Vista isn’t that bad and you still can’t convince me it is because I’ve actually had ZERO problems that are Vista related with my laptop and I use it 5 days a week for at least 6 ours at a time. I should have encountered a major problem, but I haven’t. The only problems I have aren’t Vista related, but third party related.

    You should be closed off to Mac. Mac is evil. The cross works against Apple because it is the right hand of the devil.

  8. The devil is nonsense created by churches desperate to enslave their followers.

    And of course I have more qualification to. :p It’s my job to say that Vista sucks. ๐Ÿ˜€

Leave a Reply