io9 recently posted a list of 38 reasons why Iron Man is better than Vader. As a Star Wars fan, I am horribly offended. Tony Stark? Better than Vader? Pah! That’s a load of crap, and here’s why (more after the fold; click the read more):
- Vader practically rules the entire frakking Galaxy. Stark can barely hang on to his own damned company.
- Vader has the Force. Iron Man has…a pretty kickass suit that, but it wouldn’t stand up against Force lightning or a Vader temper tantrum.
- John frakking Williams. Yeah.
- Vader doesn’t have any STDs. Stark? Probably a few dozen. Maybe even some we haven’t heard of yet.
- Vader has a lightsaber.
- And a spaceship.
- And an army.
- And cool bounty hunters like Boba freaking Fett.
- And a frakking space station for a house.
- And enough capital to build a second frakking space station when the first one gets blown up.
- Vader doesn’t have the U.S. government trying to take his shit.
- Vader has a son who turns out to be kind of a badass Jedi. Stark has a few dozen illegitimate children who’ll eventually come begging for college tuition.
- Vader also has a daughter who also turns out to be kind of a badass. Read the books.
- Vader says cool things like “the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.”
- When Vader says stuff like #14, he’s not bullshitting. And we know it. Stark is pretty much 95% bullshit. It’s cute, but that 5% doesn’t do much for his credibility.
- Vader has a whole fleet of frakking chauffeurs. Hello? Did you see all the times he was ferried around by Imperial dudes in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi?
- Vader builds complicated, advanced machines and computers at the tender age of 10.
- Star Wars. Six movies. And the first film made double what Iron Man brought in after being adjusted for inflation. All that without having a pre-established brand. Yeah.
- When Vader designs an artificial intelligence, it’s actually useful. Remember that arm droid thingy in Stark’s garage? Now that’s annoying as shit…
- And Vader’s artificial intelligences are insanely complex. C-3PO? Speaks just about every language ever invented. Yeah, what do you say to that, Stark?
- Vader doesn’t need a stupid super suit to jump 100 feet. He can just Force jump that shit.
- And Vader can sense danger and emotions and loads of other crazy things that you didn’t think could be read. Why? Because he has the frakking Force. Magic, fools. Magic.
- James Earl Jones.
- Vader has his own theme song.
- Vader flies around in Star Destroyers. Stark has a private jet, which is cool, until you realize that it can’t go into space, can’t go into hyperspace, and is basically cannon fodder for anything with guns…
- Vader can stop laser beams with his hands.
- Vader’s enemies are actually quite competent, which means he actually has to do some real work. Stark’s first enemies in the first Iron Man movie are so stupid they don’t even realize he’s building a freaking super suit in their cave…
- When people fail Vader, he chokes them to death. None of that goofing off crap with him.
- Vader owns the military. He doesn’t have to impress them to get their money.
- Vader chops off his son’s hand, knowing it’s his son, all to prove a point.
- Vader has no qualms about striking down his old man mentor. Why? Because Vader is a badass and doesn’t take crap from nobody.
- As far as we know, Vader doesn’t have goo inside his chest.
- On top of that, Vader’s chest also isn’t a damned Operation board game.
- Vader can rap.
- Vader is one of the most quoted fictional characters ever. “Luke, I am your father…” That’s right.
- When he dies, he gets to become a cool ghost thing, where he’ll spend eternity hanging out with his friends. Stark will just be dead in a ditch somewhere. Maybe he’ll go to Heaven, but probably not.
- Vader can dance. No speculation. He can dance.
- He’s Darth freaking Vader. Why do you need 38 reasons to understand this?
There. Problem solved.
