10 Things I’ve Learned From Prometheus (Or, Prometheus: A Testament to the Stupidity of Mankind)
Because everyone is poking fun at Prometheus, I’ve decided to join in on the festivities. Here goes: 1. Only an American-based expedition could be based solely on the personal beliefs of someone claiming themselves to be a scientist. The Evidence: Shaw and Holloway, the two archaeologists responsible for the Prometheus mission, have nothing but a handful of cave paintings to suggest that aliens visited Earth in the past. The rest of their hypothesis (aliens seeded Earth and left markers to convince humanity to find their makers) are based on absolutely no scientific evidence whatsoever. And the fact that the characters are from a variety of nationalities is irrelevant, since the entire mission is funded by a rich American businessman who has bought into the evidence-less hypothesis. In other words: America’s pathetic tendency to base political and social decisions on the whims of “beliefs” have so tainted the future that the term “scientific exploration” is more ironic than anything else. Thus, the only science in this movie is tangential. 2. In the future, medical pods will remind women that they aren’t important. The Evidence: The one automated medical pod in the movie is designed for the male anatomy. Why? Some argue that this has to do with Peter Weyland’s selfishness, but considering that the pod is perfectly capable of performing surgeries on women (Shaw uses a “foreign body” program to perform a Cesarean section), what this really tells us is that Scott’s future is a patriarchy for the sake of being a patriarchy. Considering that half the planet are women, it is absurd to think that medical pods are not being programmed for women; and if they are being programmed for women, then it really doesn’t make any sense to create two different kinds of pods when you could save considerable amounts of money on production to make one pod for practically all situations. After all, the pod in Prometheus can already perform the necessary surgeries on a female body anyway, just not under the appropriate surgical subheading. 3. Scientists are incompetent in the future. The Evidence: The geologist uses several orbs to map out the interior of the alien ship, but is completely incapable of using that map to find the exit. This is necessary for the plot, in which the geologist and his not-really-a-friend scientist buddy get lost and are then destroyed by evil alien snakes from hell. Likewise, there’s Holloway and Shaw, who refuse to observe quarantine procedures. Worse yet, Holloway decides that because the air appears to be breathable inside the alien ship, it is perfectly reasonable to remove his helmet. No worries about microbes. No attempt by an authority figure to reprimand him. In fact, it doesn’t seem like anyone put much thought into this mission at all. Oddly enough, the only technologically competent people in this movie happen to be the captain (Idris Elba) and his mini-gang of ship people. All three can read the geologist’s map, pilot the ship, use little computers and gizmos with expertise, and so on. But, hey, when you put together a mission based solely on the whims of a bunch of new age archaeologists, I guess you can’t expect to nab a few decent scientists to tag along. 4. Humanity hasn’t learned anything from all the science fiction stories they’ve written. The Evidence: Thousands of movies and books and short stories have been written in the last 100 years alone about robots, androids, and other synthetic beings going slightly mental, and yet we have not taken any of that into account in the world of Prometheus. Case in point — David (Michael Fassbender). Here’s what he’s responsible for doing in the movie: a) Invading the dreams of humans in suspended animation. b) Infecting Halloway with an alien sludge, resulting in Shaw’s impregnation with a mutant alien baby from hell and the death of Halloway. c) Denying Shaw the right to terminate her mutant pregnancy by using medicine (drugs) against her. Why? I don’t know. The movie never tells us his motivations for any of it. So either David is just naturally curious, and therefore dangerous to human beings, or he’s insane. Neither of those options sounds good to me. 5. The Roman statues were based on aliens. The Evidence: The Engineers (Space Jockeys) are all white as stone, perfectly sculpted, and surprisingly shaped like this guy: Some have criticized the film for its strange magic-Aryan-sperm-seeds-the-Earth ideology. I think it’s weird enough that humanoid aliens shaped like Roman statues could only seed other planets with their DNA goop by committing suicide. Seriously? You’re an alien race capable of interstellar travel and you can’t figure out how to stick your DNA into the lifeless streams of Earth without killing yourself?? You’ve got hands…just sayin’. (Yes, I’m aware that the concoction the Engineer drinks probably does something to his DNA. It’s still stupid.) 6. There are no female aliens. The Evidence: There are no female aliens. Seriously. None. Not a single one. Unless Scott is suggesting these nearly-human aliens reproduce asexually, like bipedal amoeba, then what we’re left with is an alien race that believes its lady aliens need to stay home and do whatever it is lady aliens are supposed to do. They don’t eat food, so maybe they just tend to the house (or whatever they live in). Why are there no lady aliens? Seriously. Are the man aliens the only ambitious and batshit crazy, dickish members of their species? 7. Two obviously different species can be the same species. The Evidence: We’re told in Prometheus that the Engineers are us, and we are the Engineers. On top of that, we’re shown it on a screen, where two strands of DNA (human and Engineer) are matched up. And guess what? We’re 100% the same! Wait, what? Have you seen an Engineer? They’re two or three feet taller than us, naturally muscular, and slightly off looking. Just look at him: He’s like Eugen Sandow on PCP! If that isn’t enough