Movie Review: Riddick (2013) (or, I’m Going to Mega Rant Now)
Spoiler alert: Technically, I’m going to spoil this movie for you. Not all of it, mind, but enough of it that you’ll know the major plot elements and what not. I say “technically” because nothing in this movie is all that surprising, except that it’s horribly disappointing for any Riddick fan. You already know the basic story; you just don’t know the new characters. What follows is not a review in the traditional sense. There’s no “structure” here. I have so much to say about this movie that I’ve decided to rant my way through many of the things that I either enjoyed or hated with a passion. So what you’ll see below is a collection of thoughts, organized by titled sections. You don’t have to read it all if you don’t want to — pick and choose as you see fit. OK. Let’s get to it. —————————————————————– I’ve seen quite a few films this year, but Riddick (2013) is the only one I’d give a Prometheus Award to. What’s a Prometheus Award? Basically, this award should be given to every sequel or prodigal return which does everything wrong despite having every opportunity to get it very right. Ridley Scott’s Prometheus (from which the award would derive its name) is the epitome of failing to meet expectations. You can find out why I think that here and here. The premise of Riddick is this: At some point after becoming Lord Marshall of the Necromongers, a reluctant-leader Riddick decides to hunt down his homeworld, Furya, which only Vaako knows about because the previous Lord Marshall deleted all the maps (except there were maps in The Chronicles of Riddick, so whatevs). After convincing Vaako that he can have the throne all to himself if he’ll just take Riddick to what remains of Furya, they head off into the night. Riddick is betrayed by Vaako’s men and left to die on a sulfur tomb planet (not Furya). But it’s Riddick, so he survives. While trying to survive on this hostile world (full of aliens and things), Riddick steals a strange dog-like creature puppy, raises it as his own, and then heads off to better pastures, where he discovers a mercenary supply outpost. And then things fall apart. Some super rainstorm is coming, and Riddick, for some reason, knows it means trouble (alien monsters!) and decides to trigger the emergency beacon at the outpost, set some traps, and then get off world. Murder ensues. There you go. Now for my thoughts: Logical Gap #1: Riddick is Two Different People Inside His Own Head Early in the film, Riddick tells us that he’s been stuck on this sulfur tomb planet from hell because he essentially lost his animalistic instinct (or, in normal people terms, he got soft). So he resolves himself, via internal monologue, to rediscover his animal instinct so he won’t get stabbed in the back again. OK. Good so far. Sounds fine to me. Oh, wait, no. So what Riddick’s mind actually meant when he said that was this: I want to get my animal instinct back, but really I’m just going to do what I’ve done since the end of Pitch Black and make attachments to other living things even though I just said doing so will get me killed. Basically, Twohy sets up this perfectly acceptable narrative about Riddick’s desire to return to his old ways, but then ignores it completely. We never expected the character to keep his power as Lord Marshall anyway, so having Riddick return to his roots as a slick-shit killer (Toombs!) make total sense. Only that’s not what actually happens. Instead, Riddick’s first act is capturing a crazy-ear dog puppy to use as a guinea pig, but since the thing is so damned cute, he just has to raise it as his own. And so begins Riddick’s version of A Boy and His Dog. None of this would be a problem, except that Riddick’s internal monologue tells us that’s exactly what he won’t do. So is it that Riddick is confused about his own terminology, or are we supposed to assume that Riddick’s own mind is an unreliable narrator? This is one of many logical inconsistencies in the film… Emotional Buttons Not Pushed Properly On the subject of A Boy and His Dog, it became clear to me that the dog critter thing was destined to die, and the film gives its mercenary characters numerous opportunities to do so. We’re supposed to feel suspense as the dog gets closer and closer to what is obviously set to be his death, but not because we feel for the dog (the only character worth caring about, honestly), but because it’s supposed to do something to Riddick. The problem? Riddick has his little 15-second “I is sad about dead friend” moment, but afterwards he returns to his old self. When he threatens Santana with death, we’re supposed to think it has something to do with the fact that Santana shot the dog in the head, but the dialogue is so stilted that there’s no way for us to separate “this moment” from any other moment in Riddick’s life. He always threatens death and then kills some character we’re all not supposed to like anyway, but the reason we don’t like Santana is the same reason everyone else doesn’t like him: he’s a piece of shit. Riddick knows this before Santana kills his dog, so what should have been a great opportunity for Riddick to go a little off the rails with crazy “you killed my dog, so I’m going to cut off half your face before I kill you” talk, he just says “you die in the first 5 seconds,” giving other characters the opportunity to say “that was 5 seconds” after Riddick does kill Santana. Basically, what we know about Riddick from the previous two films disappears in these moments. We know he’s not just a slick-shit killer (Toombs!). He also has a kind of heart buried in all that