SF/F Commentary

Top 10 Most Ridiculous Moments in Science Fiction and Fantasy Film in the 90s

Many months ago I posted a list of the top 8 most ridiculous moments in science fiction and fantasy film in the 21st century. It turned out to be the most popular post in the history of this blog, to my surprise, and inspired me to pursue further the plan I had already set up in my mind. What was that plan? To go backwards through time, decade by decade, picking out the most ridiculous moments in science fiction and fantasy film for each of those decades, as far back as I can reasonably go. So, here we are, with another list (slightly larger, of course) set one decade earlier than the last, and likely just as controversial. Note: the fact that two Dennis Hopper’s movies appear on this list is not a coincidence. Here goes (after the fold): 10. The Midichlorians — Star Wars, Episode One: The Phantom Menace If the original movies never existed, I wouldn’t have a problem with Midichlorians. They’re not a terribly stupid concept by themselves, but when your entire fanbase is familiar with the more mystical and magical world you created twenty years before, you can’t really expect them to take a half-assed scientific attempt to explain the Force seriously. The Force is the result of little alien microbes in all living things? Well, fantastic. Sounds like a disease to me, the side effects of which include turning the occasional man or woman into a raging genocidal lunatic. Wonderful. Where’s my shot of antibiotics? 9. Matthew Broderick — Godzilla When I first saw the American reboot of Godzilla, I have to admit that I was quite pleased. You’ve got to give me a break, though; I was 14, naive, and clearly without taste. That said, the one thing that completely destroyed the Godzilla movie wasn’t the story, per se, but the casting, and none more obvious that Broderick. Don’t get me wrong, I love Broderick. He has acting chops outside of the comedy genre, but taking the role of Dr. Tatopoulos was a horrible idea (and the folks that cast him should have known better). He’s not the only problem; the whole film is dragged down by its cast, despite the fact that, visually, the damned thing is gorgeous. And if you don’t believe me, ask yourself this: was Godzilla (1998) supposed to be a serious movie with a handful of cute lines, or a comedic farce meant to toy with a series of Japanese movies that only look funny to us today because they are absolutely ridiculous by modern standards? 8. Why So Serious? — Super Mario Bros. (the Movie) Trying to list all the things that were wrong with this movie would take days, but probably the most important for fans and film people is the tone. The makers of the film took a mostly cute, mostly silly video game and tried to turn it into some sort of bizarre not-quite-futuristic dystopian cheese-fest stocked with a Dennis Hopper playing an evolved dinosaur with a really bizarre hairdo, mindless slightly-alien goons serving a megalomaniacal government, strange cars that run on some sort of alternate power source, rocket boots, bad music, and bad acting. The problem is that fans were left wondering why the film was so dark, particularly since it’s based on a video game that is, by all accounts, practically G-rated by 1950s standards. 7. Vanilla “Go Ninja” Ice — Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze Okay, so apparently someone in the early 90s thought it would be a good idea to get Vanilla Ice to write a song for the second TMNT movie. Instead of having the resulting tune play over the end credits, the filmmakers decided to have Ice put on a mock concert, part of which consisted of a mock “improvisation” of “Go Ninja.” You know, because everyone buys a perfectly improvised, perfectly choreographed “live” rendition from the guy whose only major hit contains the lyrics “Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn / If my rhyme was a drug I’d sell it by the gram.” Right… 6. Alien 3 (the entire movie) — Alien 3 We’ve heard the story before. What started as an attempt to tell a two-parter involving Hicks devolved into a ridiculous festival of deus ex machina in the form of killing off characters to avoid having to actually tell their stories. The worst part of all of this is that, looking back and knowing what could have been, we are left with a film that feels like a less-terrifying remake of the original Alien, without all of the emotional and societal depth, action, and visual effects established with Alien and amplified ten-fold in Aliens. When James Cameron tells you that killing off a whole bunch of important characters at the start of a film is “a slap in the face,” maybe you should listen… (Of course, it gets worse. Since Alien 3 is technically “canon,” its lazy story affected the films that followed it, which were, to say the least, not nearly up to the standard of the first two Alien movies.) 5. Waterworld — Waterworld When I first saw this movie I was naive and enjoyed it. Looking back, I think I might have been on crack, because I now have no idea how it didn’t earn a Razzie for worst picture in 1996. There are too many things wrong with this movie. Costner drinks filtered pee and has gills, the Earth is somehow covered almost entirely with water (never mind that such a thing isn’t technically possible, unless all the landmasses magically sink), a little girl has a map or whatever tattooed to her body, and Dennis Hopper runs an aquatic version of a Mad Max biker gang. It sounds remotely interesting when you put it like that, but then you see the movie and realize that someone was smoking something crazy when they picked the cast… 4. Deep Space Nine (Season One)

SF/F Commentary

Poll Results: Help Me Name My Fern

You voted (along with some folks on another website) and the results are finally in. And here they are: Dave — 5 (19.2%) Fred — 0 (0%) Salvador — 11 (42.3%) Fern — 4 (15.4%) Kiwi — 3 (11.5%) Charlie — 2 (7.7%) Bill — 0 (0%) Captain Adama — 1 (3.9%) You’ll notice that I truncated Salvador considerably from the original name. Why? Because Adam is insane and Salvador is a weird enough name for a plant anyway. So, my Boston fern is now named Salvador. And as if that weren’t enough, Salvador has been so kind as to grow some unexpected things in the last month, such as these wonderful heart-shaped leaves that I’m sure are Salvador’s attempt to communicate joy to me (you know, because I’m the one doing all the feeding here). Here’s a picture of those heart-shaped goodies:

SF/F Commentary

Haul of Books 2010: Stuff For Me v.16

At some point in the last month or so, I won a whole bunch of books and a very unusual object. Imagine my surprise when I showed up at the front office of my apartment complex to find out that someone had sent me an enormous box of stuff that I didn’t order and didn’t know was coming. No, I didn’t acquire a zombie head in a cooler or a magic wand from a strange world dominated by giant blue monkeys. I acquired this (after the fold, I hope): It’s a set of Circleware bejeweled martini glasses. What am I going to use them for? No idea. I don’t drink martinis, but maybe I should start. And what about the books that came with it? Here they are: Here are the descriptions, from left to right, top to bottom (taken from Amazon): 1. Killer Blonde by Laura Levine A gal with a serious Ben & Jerry’s habit and credits including a tome entitled “I Was Henry Kissinger’s Sex Slave” can’t afford to be too picky about employment opportunities. So when Beverly Hills socialite Sue Ellen Kingsley offers Jaine megabucks to ghostwrite a book of hostess tips, it’s time to sharpen the #2s. So what if Jaine has to take dictation from a rail-thin lady of leisure in a bubble bath? Pride doesn’t feed the cat and the dubious side benefit of this particular job is an up-close, personal view of the amorous exploits of Hollywood’s ladies-who-lunch. The only bright spot is sixteen-year-old Heidi, a girl after Jaine’s own heart. Shy, overweight, and oppressed by her step-mother, Sue Ellen, Heidi could use a friend as much as Jaine could use an ally. But everything short circuits when Jaine finds Sue Ellen floating face down in her tub, fried by her own blow dryer. Peroxided suspects abound, including a very private masseuse, a jealous nurse, a former game show hostess…even a closet blonde with a surprising secret. One of them is hiding a murderous heart behind pricey highlights, and Jaine’s out to expose the killer’s dark roots. Because blondes have enough fun without getting away with murder… 2. This Pen for Hire by Laura Levine Jaine Austen is a hip, jack-of-all-trades writer who spends her days penning steamy personal ads. No one needs her help more than geeky Howard Murdoch, whom Jaine successfully sets up on a date. All goes well until Valentine’s Day, when Howard finds his new love has been bludgeoned to death. 3. The PMS Murder by Laura Levine On the frontlines of the battle of the bulge, otherwise known as trying on bathing suits in the communal dressing room at Loehmann’s, freelance writer Jaine Austen makes a new friend–a wannabe actress named Pam–and gets a new job: sprucing up Pam’s bare-bones resume. Their feeling of connection is mutual, so Pam invites Jaine to join The PMS Club-a women’s support group that meets once a week over guacamole and margaritas. But joining the club proves to be more a curse than a blessing for Jaine. Though she is warned that Rochelle, the hostess, makes a guacamole to die for, Jaine never takes the warning literally. Until another PMS member, Marybeth, drops dead over a mouthful of the green stuff after confessing she is having an affair with Rochelle’s husband. While Rochelle and her husband are the obvious suspects, everyone at that night’s meeting is under suspicion, including Jaine. So, instead of dishing dirt with The PMS Club, Jaine has to dig up dirt on the surviving members. And soon it becomes clear: someone in this club thinks getting away with murder should be a privilege of membership… 4. Shoes to Die For by Laura Levine Freelance writer Jaine Austen is not your typical Los Angelino. She’s not rich, she’s not thin, and she’s definitely not starstruck. She is a sarcastic, sometime-sleuth who’s never met a carb she didn’t like…or a mystery she couldn’t solve…If clothes make the man, then what do Jaine’s elastic-waist pants and T-shirts make her? A fashion nightmare, according to her neighbour, Lance. She doesn’t expect Lance – who works in the designer shoe department at Nieman Marcus – to understand…which is how she ends up visiting his favourite boutique, Passions. While the couture is definitely not for Jaine, the staff’s gossip is. Tiny orange-haired clerk Becky starts complaining about her co-worker Giselle – a.k.a. “Frenchie” – a brittle blonde who, when she’s not making fun of customers behind their backs, adds extra-marital notches to her Chanel belt. Though Jaine doesn’t land a new look, she does land a new job when Passions’ owner gives her a chance to write their new magazine ads. But when Jaine arrives the next morning to pitch her ideas, she finds Frenchie pitched over, stabbed in the neck by one of her own stilettos. Now all Jaine has to do is figure out who hated Frenchie the most, in a case of death by designer knock-off… 5. Killing Bridezilla by Laura Levine When writer-for-hire Jaine Austen signs on to script vows for the ultimate Bridezilla, “I do’s” soon become “I wish I hadn’t’s”–and curtains for the bride spell a veil of woes for Jaine… Jaine’s accepted her share of lame gigs to pay the bills, but rewriting Shakespeare’s got to be an all-time low. The fiasco begins with a call from Jaine’s high-school nemesis, uber rich uber witch Patti Devane. It seems Patti will soon be sashaying down the aisle with another former classmate from Hermosa High, and she’d like the exchange of vows to evoke Romeo and Juliet…except without the “downer” of an ending. Even worse than the assignment itself is dealing with Patti as a client. At least Jaine’s not alone, as nobody can stand the demanding, spoiled, and incredibly rude Bridezilla from Hell. Patti’s managed to rack up an amazingly long list of enemies in a short time, not the least of whom include her prospective mother-in-law, the soon-to-be ex-wife of Patti’s stolen soon-to-be groom, and

SF/F Commentary

In Glowing Support of NPR (National Public Radio)

CREDO is running a petition to be sent to the White House asking for seat recently vacated by Helen Thomas in the White House press briefing room (where you see Gibbs answering questions and what not) to be given over to NPR (National Public Radio). Other organizations vying for a spot include Bloomberg News and FOX News. I signed the petition for obvious reasons, but I did add the following statement: It should be noted that while the content of this petition denounces FOX, I personally would also denounce organizations like MSNBC, which use similar tactics as FOX News (or have, in my memory), and who I don’t consider anymore legitimate. NPR is, in my opinion, one of the last news entities that actually cares about giving us the news, rather than loading us up with opinions in either overt form or masked as news. What we need is to support those news entities that are interested in giving us information and not interested in pushing a political agenda. News should be fair. It should be balanced. It should be filled with journalists who actually research and care about finding out the truth, no matter how grim or difficult it may be. Giving NPR this seat will be a step in the right direction. Clearly I like NPR… If you want to see NPR covering the White House press briefings, sign the petition. If not, then you’re a jerk, because NPR is awesome.

SF/F Commentary

Why Electronic Publishing Will End Civilization

You might be asking yourself: how the heck can something so revolutionary and so seemingly wonderful bring about the end of civilization? And I might ask you where you’ve been the last five years and why you haven’t considered the most important and most dangerous thing to a technology-oriented society ever imagined: zombies. You see, in the post-apocalyptic zombie-ridden future, the people who are more likely to survive are going to be those old curmudgeons like myself who think that holding a real book in your hands is still far more enjoyable than a little electronic device. I’m part of a group of endangered species that actually favors page texture and smell over the click of a button when it comes to my reading. And I’m going to survive the zombie apocalypse while all you traitors who have begun to forsake the printed form in favor of something without texture, smell, or function in the post-apocalyptic world are more likely to end up infected, dead, or starving somewhere in a hole, bored out of your mind because your silly little electronic reader ran out of batteries ten weeks ago, leaving you in the dark with nothing but some rotten food and the sound of zombies pounding on the door. And the reason for all this? When push comes to shove, a good book can also be a good weapon, in the most literal sense, and using it as such doesn’t make the product unusable. Maybe I should explain that better. There are three kinds of books in the world: normal paperbacks (light, slightly flexible, and conveniently sized), hardbacks (slightly heavy, hard, and less conveniently sized), and Big Bertha books (i.e. massive dictionaries, encyclopedias, and so on). If, for whatever reason, I have run out of suitable bludgeoning tools, guns, or other forms of traditional weaponry, I can use all three of these book forms to not only entertain myself, but also to combat the undead. How? Here are a few examples of books turned into weapons using little more than some pointy things: The Pocket Star If you have a few pocket-sized books (preferably square) lying around, you can easily convert them into brain-busting throwing stars. All you need are some nails, or other pointed items, and some rubber bands. Stick them through the binding, tie the book up with the rubber bands, and start practicing. One good throw from these suckers can put down a zombie in seconds. The Whacker Any trade paperback or light hardcover can become a decent whacker. The taller the book, the better (because of your wrist movements), but you also want a fairly light book. All you need is one really good nail pushed through the binding (preferably a thick one), some rubber bands to hold the whole thing closed, and a willingness to run around whacking zombies in the head. You’ve got to be quick, though. The problem with the whacker is that it’s really easy to get stuck in skull bone. If you’re really good, you can create some sort of wrist band that keeps the whacker attached to your arm during battles. The Distractor Some books won’t do the job of killing zombies, but will do the job of confusing the hell out of them or getting them out of your way. A world atlas book makes a particularly effective Distractor, since it can be used to whack zombies out of the way if swung properly and with the appropriate amount of force. One good smack to the head will send a zombie reeling. It’s an easy tool to find and can absolutely work in a pinch. The Devastator If you’re a true book lover, you’ll most likely have some books with unusual dimensions and very thick covers. These kinds of books make wonderful Devastators for two reasons: they can take a lot more damage than other kinds of books and they are easier to swing like a baseball bat. All you need for a Devastator is a very tall or very wide hardcover book, some pointed objects, and some rubber bands. Instead of putting the nails or pointed things through the spine, put them through the cover and wrap it all up with the rubber bands. The Devastator has the effect of being extremely deadly–especially if you concentrate your nails/pointed objects in one area–and distracting due to its weight–kind of like the Distractor. If you’re really adventuresome, you can create a Double Devastator by using both sides of the book. There are plenty of other book-based weapons you can make, but these four should provide strong enough support for having a large and diverse personal library of books, because without them, you’re not likely to survive very long. Your Kindle or Nook or whatever isn’t going to last long against a zombie’s head. It’ll likely break after the first couple blows, leaving you without anything to read (assuming, of course, that your battery didn’t die well before that). Beyond that, there are some other good reasons for having a diverse personal library: Guns and Other Weapons Will Be Scarce Those of us with zombie contingency plans likely have “acquire weapons” somewhere high on the list. The problem? So does everyone else. You’re not the only one who wants guns, bats, swords, and ski poles. Everyone wants them, because that’s the best way to defend yourself when the heat is on and that’s one of the first things other than “run like hell” that pops into our heads when something terrible happens. The reality is that most gun stores will be emptied of their stock in the first few hours, leaving you and a whole lot of other people without projectile weaponry or bludgeoning tools. With a few books, you can avoid this problem entirely. You also shouldn’t forget that ammo is limited. You will run out of bullets, and those guns you tried so hard to get will become little more than heavy nuisances. They’re Good in a Pinch

SF/F Commentary

Movie Review: Inception

There is only one movie I have been literally ecstatic about seeing, which is not something that happens to me very often. That movie is Inception. I can’t quite explain why, except to say that the marketing team behind Inception managed to utterly captivate me with their trailers and strong attempts at keeping secret the details of what I am calling “Nolan’s masterpiece.” Point is, the moment I heard about Inception, I was hooked, and I have spent the last three or four months waiting for what I hoped would be the best movie of the entire year, let alone the best science fiction movie in decades. And you know what Inception provided? Everything I could have ever wanted and more. It is, in my opinion, the best movie of the year and is easily in my top ten best science fiction movies of all time. Calling Inception “Nolan’s masterpiece” is an understatement. It is a tour de force, a feat of monumental cinematic proportions. For those that had doubts about Nolan’s ability to escape the brilliant success of The Dark Knight, Inception proves you wrong, because it is the one movie that I think defines Nolan as an expert filmmaker, as the kind of writer and director that can actually produce high quality original material and direct it at a level that certain other filmmakers haven’t been able to do since the beginning of their careers (I’m looking at you M. Night Shyamalan). Inception is, to put it more simply, a must see. Now for my review (after the fold): Describing Inception is difficult. I am writing this review with the intention of leaving out the specifics, partly because I think everyone should see this movie and partly because doing so could potentially ruin the experience of discovery that I received while watching it. With that in mind, I am going to steal the synopsis from IMDB to give you a better impression of the plot of the movie: Dom Cobb is a skilled thief, the absolute best in the dangerous art of extraction, stealing valuable secrets from deep within the subconscious during the dream state, when the mind is at its most vulnerable. Cobb’s rare ability has made him a coveted player in this treacherous new world of corporate espionage, but it has also made him an international fugitive and cost him everything he has ever loved. Now Cobb is being offered a chance at redemption. One last job could give him his life back but only if he can accomplish the impossible-inception. Instead of the perfect heist, Cobb and his team of specialists have to pull off the reverse: their task is not to steal an idea but to plant one. If they succeed, it could be the perfect crime. But no amount of careful planning or expertise can prepare the team for the dangerous enemy that seems to predict their every move. An enemy that only Cobb could have seen coming. Inception is one of those rare movies that makes you think while entertaining you, something that doesn’t happen all that often. Right from the start, the movie slams you head first into the complex world that Nolan has created, showing you how things work, how difficult and detailed everything is, and how much time and energy Nolan undoubtedly put into every aspect of the film, from the cast to the situation to the visuals. It becomes clear right that what is to follow (i.e. the primary narrative) will be a complicated, but thoroughly engaging event. And it is. The deeper Nolan takes us into the intricate web of his dream worlds, the more amazingly complicated, strange, and exciting things become. The progression of the primary narrative is smooth and timed perfectly (often for good reason) and the climax is probably one of the most brilliantly suspenseful moments I have seen on film (you’ll have to watch to understand what I mean). Characters “die,” even important ones, and the more complex the climax becomes, building up like a spiderweb or layering like a quantum pie, the more obvious the danger that everyone is in becomes–one wrong movie and everything will come crumbling down. The narrative, thankfully, is well-supported by two things: a fantastic cast and amazing visuals. The latter of these demonstrates precisely why only certain directors should use CG, because Nolan clearly understands where using CG is best placed and where using physical mediums is superior. Inception is a combination of both, in the sense that some action sequences are done almost entirely without CG, and others are not (the latter of these are typically scenes that simply cannot be done without CG). The appropriate lack of CG is no small feat. Entire action sequences that would likely be made easier on the actors and the director by reducing it all to a CGed mess are instead done with what we assume are expertly-handled wires and ingenious contraptions. An example of this is actually in the trailers, where we see Joseph Gordon-Levitt flying down or climbing up the walls of a hotel hallway. The entire sequence is brilliant, but even that snippet shows you just how important realism is to Nolan. He wants his vision to encapsulate the wonder of the dream, while also invoking believability; without that, the entire film would crash to the ground, because once the audience no longer suspends its disbelief, there is nothing left to tell or do but drawn one’s own inadequacies.. From an acting standpoint, the film is well cast. DeCaprio’s (Cobb) slight dislike for science fiction doesn’t show as he delivers a believable character with a troubled past and an emotional mission. Gordon-Levitt (Arthur), surprisingly, not only demonstrates his often ignored ability to do something other that “teen comedy,” but shows viewers, I think, that he is capable of pulling off action heroes. There was never a moment when I questioned whether Arthur was the right fit for Gordon-Levitt; he just seemed to fit. Ken Watanabe

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