World in the Satin Bag

Step One For Making Friends With English: Punctuation and Pronunciation

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We all like English, right? Okay, so maybe most people don’t, but if you do, then it would only seem logical that you’d do your best to follow the very basic rules of the language, right? And wouldn’t you expect that the people who take the language seriously enough to try to make a living writing in it would do the same? I did too. I used to think that authors, of all people, had a vested interest in getting their written language right. They have to! They’re authors! But, apparently that’s not always the case. And don’t get me started on college students (commas and semicolons must have fallen out of the teaching curriculum decades ago). Hope is not lost, though. No, the world can be saved. So, I give you step one for Making Friends With English: punctuation and pronunciation. What better a place to start than there? Here goes: PunctuationThe SemicolonA semicolon is a piece of punctuation that splits two independent clauses; an independent clause is a statement like this one which does not require additional punctuation or words to stand on its own. (Everyone gets this wrong; you should know that for every time you misuse a semicolon, a baby is strangled to death by a comma.) The CommaThere are many uses for commas. First, you use them to connect two independent clauses, but with a coordinating conjunction, such as the one I used in this sentence (but). You also must use them after introductory phrases (such as “While I was at the doctor’s office buying a year’s supply of hamster tranquilizers (comma)”). However, it would take a month to tell you all the myriad ways to use a comma. So, I’ll send you to OWL instead. Thanks, Purdue! The PeriodYou use a period to end a sentence. See? Was that so hard? It was? Razor blades are on sale for $0.10 at Walmart. Hurry, there’s still time. The Question MarkYou do realize that a question mark implies that a question is being asked, right? Right?! The DashDashes are sort of like really impressive commas–or so they say. They serve a similar purpose as commas or semicolons, but they are specifically used to add emphasis on whatever is being discussed. The HyphenHyphens are used to connect words that form the same adjective, which is then followed by a noun (“I am a chocolate-loving ninja”). Or, you use them in numbers, such as the famous forty-two. There are a couple more rules, so I will send you to OWL, again. The ApostropheApostrophes are for possessives and a few other things. Don’t forget to use apostrophes for contractions, and you certainly shouldn’t ignore OWL’s discussion of possessives. If you don’t learn how to use the apostrophe correctly, you’ll die twenty years earlier than you were supposed to. I know. I’m Death’s English consultant. A few things you should know:–Commas are not semicolons. No matter how hard you try to make it true, a comma will never be a semicolon. It’s impossible. They don’t get along. Check your horoscopes.–Sentences do have to have periods. The reason is complicated, and I won’t bother trying to explain it here, because if I did, you’d be stuck reading for a month. Just know that the reasons involve a few dead guys, a rubber band, and a bottle of Kahlua.–Commas shouldn’t be thrown around willy nilly. They have a logic to them. If you can’t play nice with commas, then the English language will get you. Trust me. I’ve been on the Internet for a while. Everything comes to bite you in the ass later.–“It’s” is not the possessive form of it. “Its” is the possessive form. Learn it. PronunciationOnly a few things need to be said:–If you don’t know how to pronounce a word, then look it up or ask someone. In this day and age, it should be fairly easy to find a pronunciation guide. Hell, dictionaries (you know, those really old book things with lots of words in them, or is that not specific enough?) have pronunciation guides in them.–Yes, making up your own pronunciation, whether on purpose or because you don’t know any better, makes you look like an illiterate jackass. I don’t care if you have published a dozen books. Don’t do it.–People in other countries do say things wrong. Don’t mimic them, especially if they say “I’m right.” You should especially distrust anyone who drives on the wrong side of the road. There’s a reason why Americans drive on the right side of the road: because it’s right. Any questions?

World in the Satin Bag

Responding to the Stackpole: Amazon/Macmillan vs. Not-So-Stupid Authors

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Michael A. Stackpole made an interesting point the other day. He seems to think that the call for support by Macmillan authors whose books had been removed from Amazon is a stupid thing to do (not because support for authors is bad, but it presumes that authors will suffer). He disagrees because of the following: This is how the economics of the industry works. If you buy a book today, right this very second, from any retail outlet, the author will get, on average, 10% of that cover price. In October. Yep, eight months from now. To which I respond: so? How exactly does this make an author stupid for asking for support during the Amazon/Macmillan fiasco? Whether or not the damage is tomorrow or eight months from now, it’s still damage to an author’s career. That’s money a debut author won’t be getting in October. They may not starve, but that’s not the point. The point is that Amazon’s move is significantly reducing the availability of the author’s books, and, thus, reducing their sales. Whether they “starve” now or “starve” in eight months, the sales are still lost. Thankfully, it’s all over and only lasted a week. Imagine if this had gone one for a month!

World in the Satin Bag

Quickie Movie Reviews (2010): Volume One

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I love having a library that lets me borrow movies for free, especially when they carry some really interesting titles. Such as the following: Torturing DemocracyPossibly one of the most important, and sadly relatively unknown, documentaries ever made on the U.S./War On Terror torture issue. It follows, moment by moment, the beginning of the programs that authorized torture in Guantanamo and provides witnesses and expert testimony to show how the U.S. essentially got away with some of the worst human rights violations in this country’s history. And, to echo what one of the interviewees said: our military men and women will suffer for years as a result of this, because we have now officially told the rest of the world that all of this is okay.Pros: Absolutely shocking. I knew about the whole torture thing already, but this documentary takes things to new heights. All the witnesses are credible ones, not just random people disconnected from the subject; they are either victims or part of the resistance to the movement towards torture. You have got to see this documentary. If you think for a second that the torture thing was right, or that the people who did it didn’t know what they were doing, this will set the record straight. It’s just…astonishing. Well crafted, well informed, and a must see.Cons: It’s narrated in fairly typical documentary style, which can make it a little dull at times, but I think the shock of the information is enough to keep anyone interested in this topic regardless of the narration style.Rating: 4.75/5Value: $10.00 Deadly Enemies (Documentary)This short documentary offers insight into the U.S. and Soviet bio-weapons programs during the Cold War, told through the eyes of those who were actually there, doing the work or fighting against it.Pros: This is another of those documentaries I think everyone should see to get a clear picture of what was really going on during a time of when propaganda was normal (on both the U.S. and Soviet sides). The inclusion of actual Soviet doctors who worked in the Soviet bio-weapons programs (and on the U.S. side too) is a nice touch. Overall, this is an effective documentary.Cons: There’s a subtle pro-American slant here. While I think it’s likely that the U.S. may have shut down most of its bio-weapons programs after their support for the U.N. resolution that banned such weapons, I honestly doubt that all of them were shut down. I think some investigation into this would have helped, because this film does lean too much against the Soviets, who were just as terrified of us as we were of them during the Cold War.Rating: 4/5Value: $9.75 Life After People (Documentary/History Channel)Probably one of the most fascinating of the History Channel’s documentaries, Life After People strings together the thoughts of scientists and writers on what the world would be like if our species were to simply disappear.Pros: Great ideas, decent visuals, and a lot of fun. Not much more needs to be said.Cons: Some parts are a little dull and sometimes the visuals are kind of lame. It’s good, but it could have been better.Rating: 3.75/5Value: $9.25 Life of Brian (Monty Python)A crazy retelling of biblical legend in which a young fellow named Brian is born on the same day as Jesus Christ. Crazy antics ensue.Pros: There are a few moments of brilliance here, and overall the story is entertaining.Cons: Not as good as The Holy Grail. Sometimes the comedy is too juvenile for its own good. I enjoyed it, but it could have been better.Rating: 2.5/5Value: $4.75 And there you go. Have you seen any good movies in the last few months, old or new? Let me know in the comments!

World in the Satin Bag

The Primate Paradox: An Analytical Thought

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When you look at the passage in the image below, I want you to think of one thing: this is a primate (Robert Anton Wilson) writing about the philosophical limitations of primate logic; in doing so, however, the primate has proven that what is written is, in fact, demonstrating a different limitation of primate logic–that primate logic not limited to the whims of singular causality, but instead limited by selling the primate species short. See for yourself:Now discuss…

World in the Satin Bag

Fascism (or How You Can Spot Fascist Thinking in Book Bannings)

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You’d be hard-pressed to get me to argue my way out of this one; I’m using “fascism” to elicit an emotional response from you, my readers. A little pathos does us all a little good. But I have a reason. Throughout our short history (speaking of America) we have been remarkably vocal against any sort of non-democratic way of life. We’ve, thus, applied fascism and communism as the exact opposites of our democratic (translation: truly free) methodology. The problem, however, is that in being so anti-everything-else, we’ve started to become that which we fear. Case in point: the State Board of Education in Texas managed to get this book on Marxism banned from school libraries (and a book for kids by another author with the same name); a few states over in Menifee, California they are considering banning the 10th edition of Merriam-Webster (the dictionary) because it contains entries for “oral sex” (among others). I can’t help thinking that these bannings (or attempts, at least) are the result of an incomprehensible discomfort for those who still think it’s the 1600s. Even so, the problem with this whole picture is that for all its claims of protecting children and preservation of American freedom, it’s doing the exact opposite. I am not a Marxist. I’m not a capitalist either (not in the current sense of the term). But stifling the dissemination of knowledge, even about controversial topics, is a kind of low-level Orwellian act. We’re not talking about keeping pornography from being in school libraries. We’re not even talking about keeping things like the Anarchist cookbook, which is, if memory serves me, still illegal due to its content (it provides the “recipes” for all kinds of bad things, like bombs). We’re talking about keeping knowledge of a diametrically opposed viewpoint from reaching our children, and I don’t think this is simply because we don’t like those ideas. We’re afraid (or at least weak-minded people are). Marxism isn’t terrifying because it’s the opposite of capitalism, or because it is connected with communism and a lot of nasty things that have happened over the years. Marxism is terrifying because the more we learn about it, the more we realize that a lot of the things Marx and those that followed him said about capitalism are true. We’ve done a fine job maintaining the status quo in America. To break that by raising children who not only think critically about the way our nation is run, but are also willing to act and implement outside ideas to make changes (for the better, presumably) is essentially to shut down hundreds of years of damn fine brainwashing. Are fascism and communism actually bad? Sure, in a limited viewpoint, but in that same viewpoint our own system is equally as bad (American democracy and modern capitalism are not innocent systems by a long shot; to say otherwise is like saying colonialism never happened). American culture, thus, has become one of exceptionalism, particularly if you’re an adherent of a particularly vocal political right: they offer America an “out” from its “crimes,” while deriding other nations (primarily non-democratic ones) for the very thing we offer up as exceptions. Exceptionalism is equally applicable to the vocal non-political left, who often hold up more “socialist” nations as pinnacles of civilization, criticizing the failures of America, while exceptionalizing the aforementioned “socialist” nations. The problem of American exceptionalism is that it is too close-minded for its own good. We are incapable of thinking outside of the box because we’ve been conditioned to fear a political other that is not all that terrifying to begin with. What exactly is so frightening about Marxism, Fascism, or Democratic Socialism? Once you begin to siphon off the oft-repeated examples of all that is bad about these things (the last of which gets the short end of the stick because there are actually few, if any, prominent “bad” examples; the result is that it is often associated with Fascism), there really isn’t much to say except, “I just don’t like it.” Perhaps we need to really think about why it is we love Democracy so much, particularly in its American form. And where it’s weak, maybe we should also question why we are too afraid to criticize it, or only brave enough to criticize those who do the job for us. The one thing we can’t keep doing is looking away from criticism for fear that there might be some truth there in the first place. Marxism may not be correct in principle, but when you dig your heels in you begin to see why it is still so influential in the world and in universities: because it still says something true about the system we’ve all been conditioned to love; acknowledging that truth is a challenge to American hegemony. History, I’m afraid, does not shine too well on America’s reception of challenges.

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