I’ve never been a huge Star Trek fan. I like Star Trek and have seen most of the movies and quite a bit of the television shows, but I’ve always been more into Star Wars because I grew up with it1. That said, what I have always liked about Star Trek is that it pushes the boundaries of the real while also trying not to be too, well, out there, with some exceptions, of course. I had high hopes for the new Star Trek. As soon as I knew it was going to be made, I couldn’t help but be excited. From the mysterious nature of its initial exposure to the public to its handful of flashy trailers, Star Trek had been shaping up to be something truly special. But then J. J. Abrams got his hands on the new Star Trek. I don’t know how this craptastic of a movie-maker managed to wrap his slimy little fingers around one of the greatest science fiction franchises in history (rivaled only by Star Wars), but he did and now we’re stuck with a movie that is, unfortunately, a crapfest. I know that Abrams has been behind it for a while–well before the trailers and the website–but I had been under the illusion that someone else was directing this film, that it was in capable of hands. And I even went into this movie setting aside all my hatreds for Abrams2, hoping that maybe he’d redeem himself by providing a well-rounded, damn good flick that captured much of the magic of the original series. But no. Not even close. (Spoilers ahead…)The new Star Trek begins with a bang. Some Romulan miner from the future named Nero is pissed off because his home planet has been/will be destroyed by a supernova. He blames Spock and the Federation for letting his people be eradicated and decides to go back in time to exact his revenge. Back home, after Nero destroys a federation ship and Kirk’s baby form escapes, grown up Kirk gets prompted on a dare to join Starfleet and be all he can be and other such ridiculousness. Nero attacks Vulcan, and hi jinks ensue. That’s the basic gist of the story, and certainly the first half of the movie is worthy of the Star Trek title. But that’s when everything falls apart. What was already a time-laden plot line becomes convoluted with absurdities that expose a gaping hole of amateur writing and directing. It was easy enough to accept one time traveling character, because Nero is essentially the central conflict of the story, but when you decide to have two time traveling characters, one of which literally has no business being there at all other than to provide a pointless, meaningless sidetrack for Kirk to follow, you’re flirting with the edges of continuity. In fact, the second time traveling character has no purpose being in this movie other than to provide the writers/directors an easy out, a way of getting past the difficult hole they dug themselves into by making Spock and Kirk practically sworn enemies, to shove in a character who probably should have been there earlier, and a way of inserting Leonard Nemoy into the movie so he can go off on a big flashback where he tells us everything. And I do mean this literally that after the halfway mark the plot of Star Trek becomes less about furthering the story and more about finding ways to dig oneself out of a hole with cheap tricks and illogical idiocies that make one wonder whether there was any point at all to the whole thing. The absurdities, however, do not end there. The directing/editing for the film is absolutely wretched, with entire subplots being inserted in hamfisted glory into the narrative, with no clear reason for them to be there. Uhura, thus, is the most pointless character in the film, which is sad considering she is also the only significant female character in it. We’re supposed to accept at face value that Spock and Uhura are an item, but we never understand where it comes from or whether it existed before Kirk met Uhura. In fact, we don’t know anything about this relationship, yet it’s shoved into our view as something that should be taken seriously as part of the rivalry between Spock and Kirk. Uhura thus becomes nothing more than another item for Abrams to dangle over us to fulfil some other plot line as if to whore out Uhura to the whims of continuity. In addition to the ridiculousness of the plot, the cast is a mixed bag for a movie that’s supposed to be reviving the greatness of Star Trek. While Scotty, McCoy, and Spock are perfectly cast, the remaining classic Star Trek characters are mediocre at best. Uhura is utterly pointless; the fellow who plays Chekov manages to turn the character into a comedic farce a la Epic/Scary/etc. Movie; Sulu lacks some of the original charm of the character; and Kirk, worst of all, is not even Kirk at all, but an absurdly arrogant delinquent who fails to fit into the shoes once worn by Shatner. I understand trying to upgrade the characters, but this is clearly the wrong direction. Kirk never hits his stride in this new incarnation; in fact, there is almost no growth for Kirk, except that he befriends Spock in the end, but only because Abrams inexpertly inserted future Spock to make it happen. What a great way to try to develop a character by essentially cheating and telling us that there’s no reason for Star Trek to remain true to its form, because one can simply fabricate a time traveling elf at will to manipulate other characters into doing the will of the directorial gods. Other issues I had with the film are primarily nitpicks. I appreciated the re-imagined Enterprise and the upgrading of the look of the Federation, but I had issues with other designs in the film. The