Lists – Page 10 – Dr. Shaun Duke, Professional Nerd

38 Reasons Why Darth Vader is Better (and Cooler) Than Iron Man

io9 recently posted a list of 38 reasons why Iron Man is better than Vader. As a Star Wars fan, I am horribly offended. Tony Stark? Better than Vader? Pah! That’s a load of crap, and here’s why (more after the fold; click the read more): Vader practically rules the entire frakking Galaxy. Stark can barely hang on to his own damned company. Vader has the Force. Iron Man has…a pretty kickass suit that, but it wouldn’t stand up against Force lightning or a Vader temper tantrum. John frakking Williams. Yeah. Vader doesn’t have any STDs. Stark? Probably a few dozen. Maybe even some we haven’t heard of yet. Vader has a lightsaber. And a spaceship. And an army. And cool bounty hunters like Boba freaking Fett. And a frakking space station for a house. And enough capital to build a second frakking space station when the first one gets blown up. Vader doesn’t have the U.S. government trying to take his shit. Vader has a son who turns out to be kind of a badass Jedi. Stark has a few dozen illegitimate children who’ll eventually come begging for college tuition. Vader also has a daughter who also turns out to be kind of a badass. Read the books. Vader says cool things like “the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.” When Vader says stuff like #14, he’s not bullshitting. And we know it. Stark is pretty much 95% bullshit. It’s cute, but that 5% doesn’t do much for his credibility. Vader has a whole fleet of frakking chauffeurs. Hello? Did you see all the times he was ferried around by Imperial dudes in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi? Vader builds complicated, advanced machines and computers at the tender age of 10. Star Wars. Six movies. And the first film made double what Iron Man brought in after being adjusted for inflation. All that without having a pre-established brand. Yeah. When Vader designs an artificial intelligence, it’s actually useful. Remember that arm droid thingy in Stark’s garage? Now that’s annoying as shit… And Vader’s artificial intelligences are insanely complex. C-3PO? Speaks just about every language ever invented. Yeah, what do you say to that, Stark? Vader doesn’t need a stupid super suit to jump 100 feet. He can just Force jump that shit. And Vader can sense danger and emotions and loads of other crazy things that you didn’t think could be read. Why? Because he has the frakking Force. Magic, fools. Magic. James Earl Jones. Vader has his own theme song. Vader flies around in Star Destroyers. Stark has a private jet, which is cool, until you realize that it can’t go into space, can’t go into hyperspace, and is basically cannon fodder for anything with guns… Vader can stop laser beams with his hands. Vader’s enemies are actually quite competent, which means he actually has to do some real work. Stark’s first enemies in the first Iron Man movie are so stupid they don’t even realize he’s building a freaking super suit in their cave… When people fail Vader, he chokes them to death. None of that goofing off crap with him. Vader owns the military. He doesn’t have to impress them to get their money. Vader chops off his son’s hand, knowing it’s his son, all to prove a point. Vader has no qualms about striking down his old man mentor. Why? Because Vader is a badass and doesn’t take crap from nobody. As far as we know, Vader doesn’t have goo inside his chest. On top of that, Vader’s chest also isn’t a damned Operation board game. Vader can rap. Vader is one of the most quoted fictional characters ever. “Luke, I am your father…” That’s right. When he dies, he gets to become a cool ghost thing, where he’ll spend eternity hanging out with his friends. Stark will just be dead in a ditch somewhere. Maybe he’ll go to Heaven, but probably not. Vader can dance. No speculation. He can dance. He’s Darth freaking Vader. Why do you need 38 reasons to understand this? There. Problem solved.

Top 7 James Bond Title Themes

I’ve been on a James Bond kick lately. I might even read the original novels and short stories. Who knows. For now, I’m mostly interested in the music ever since hearing Chris Cornell’s “You Know My Name” from Casino Royale (as an single, rather than in the film itself). So, I thought I would put together a post of what I think are the seven best James Bond title themes ever. Feel free to send the MI6 after me if you disagree. Here goes (list begins after the fold): 1. “Die Another Day” — MadonnaIf any song could prove that Madonna has still got it, then “Die Another Day” was that song. The use of techno beats, orchestra, and bizarre editing make for a really weird, but awesome listening experience. 2. “You Know My Name” — Chris Cornell (from Casino Royale)The new Bond films have actually been quite good, despite the mild controversy over choosing Daniel Craig to play 007. The new direction of the films also heralded a slightly new direction for the title themes. Chris Cornell’s rather rough and rock-inspired tune is one of the best of the newer tunes (in the last 20 years of Bond films). 3. “To Live and Let Die” — Paul McCartneyA classic and probably the one song most people associate immediately with the Bond franchise (or maybe that’s just me). The song never gets old. 4. “From Russia With Love” — Matt MonroeSomething about the lounge singer/Sinatra feel of this song always tickles me pink (or blue or whatever color is appropriate). It’s smooth, enjoyable, and makes you want to sit back and get a drink. 5. “Goldfinger” — Shirley BasseyBassey’s vocals are rough and rugged, which fits the Bond franchise perfectly. Goldfinger is one of the more iconic Bond tunes, too. Listen for yourself. 6. “Goldeneye” — Tina TurnerWho didn’t love Tina Turner’s rendition of “Goldeneye”? The Bond tunes seem to have a close relationship with divas, and Turner’s belting vocals and attitude and the creepy and poignant lyrics made for a great opening to a revitalized Bond franchise (with Brosnan taking the helm). 7. “The World is Not Enough” — GarbageThe overall feeling created by listening to Garbage’s “The World is Not Enough” can only be described as chilling. The tone and pace create a kind of strange atmosphere. Too bad the film didn’t quite live up to the song. And there you have it. Hopefully I haven’t committed blasphemy here… What are your favorite Bond tunes? Let me know in the comments!

10 Things You Learn About the Internet (in a couple months)

(Note: @amisuggests on Twitter remarked that this post sounds angry. I’m not sure why. Perhaps the tone in some of the items below suggests anger? For the record, this post isn’t actually an angry post, nor a reflection of some personal experience with the below items. These are general assessments of the Internet, some of them good and some of them bad. I’m not angry at all. I haven’t the time to be angry for the things mentioned below.) The last few months have been pretty intense. I’ve attended two conferences, I’ve had all manner of problems in my personal life, and a mountain of unnecessary Internet drama that would make Jonathan Swift roll over in his grave. Through the course of all of this, I’ve come to a series of conclusions about what I’ve learned about the Internet: YouTube is probably the biggest intellectual cesspool to ever exist. Worse than the United States Government. Worse than the most radical of political activists. Trying to have a conversation there is like trying to convince a tiger not to eat you. You keep talking, but nothing changes, no matter how persuasive you are. The Internet is the premiere place to say whatever the hell you want without worrying about or even considering the consequences. People you meet on the Internet will often violate their own personal rules to get back at you. This is attached to #2, obviously. These same people will make a public spectacle of your personal life if they think it will lead back to you and, in effect, harm you. And if you’re smart, you learn to shrug it all off like the petty, vindictive, childish nonsense that it is, without letting it rule your life. Because…it’s just the Internet. E-commerce is the greatest thing to happen to the modern world. I can buy anything I want online, and that’s freaking awesome. I can literally find information on anything I want on the Internet. That may not sound impressive anymore, but imagine a world in which we had to spend weeks searching through a library of books. I’d still like to do that, but I don’t have time to do that for everything I want to know. The Internet makes knowledge available to everyone. That’s kickass, in my book. Trolls and other inflammatory Internet types are almost as bad as child molesters, and sometimes fit into that latter category. Hulu, YouTube, and other video or audio services have revolutionized the way we watch or listen to anything. Likewise, they’ve revolutionized how we produce and distribute visual and aural content (i.e. music). Podcasts, webshows, and so on. There has never been so much free entertainment in the history of humanity. Blogging, Twitter, Facebook, and all these other nifty ways of engaging with the WWW are just the tip of the iceberg. Just wait. Something is coming that will change the way we do things now so much that it will cease to resemble the current way of doing things. Just look back to the beginning of the Internet and see the difference between then and now. The Internet is evolving at a rapid pace, and we have to try to keep up with it. There you have it. So, what have you learned about the Internet in the last few months? What about in the last year?

Seven Science Fiction Movies That Should Be TV Shows

There are a lot of fantastic movies out there that have the potential to be more. Terminator, for example, certainly had the possibility of a TV show built into it, and with the moderate success of the Sarah Connor Chronicles, everyone can see why (even if you didn’t like the show to begin with). But what other movies would make great TV shows? The following are my top seven movies that should be turned into TV shows: Galaxy QuestTim Allen is probably an easy pick for the small screen. For one, he’s already been there with Home Improvement, demonstrating that he knows the trade; and two, Galaxy Quest is a perfect fit for his comedic style both on the big screen and on our television sets. Add in the rest of the cast, some of them TV experts and some of them just damn good actors, and you have the potential for a great show. The only thing that has to be decided is this: do you tell a story about the actors going on space adventures, or the story of the fictional characters in the TV show?Problem: Daryl Mitchell is paralyzed due to a car accident; the way around that is to rewrite his character with the same disability.Pitch: America’s answer to Doctor Who. EquilibriumWhile the movie is fairly self-contained, it alludes to a lot of back matter that would make for an interesting television series (preferably on HBO or Showtime, rather than the networks). You could tell one of two stories: the prequel story of how the world turned into this emotion-rejecting, drugged up ninja clan, or the sequel of what happens after Bale’s character gets revenge. Both could work, but I suspect that a prequel would be somewhat pointless, since we know where things end up.Problem: There would have to be some damned fine writers to pull this off. You could say that of most of these, but I think Equilibrium requires the kind of writer who can manage the depth of character needed to make it interesting and powerful. Someone like Ron Moore of Battlestar Galactica, perhaps.Pitch: 1984 meets Brave New World and Philip K. Dick. The OneAs one of my favorite movies of all time, this Jet Li action flick has a built in concept for a television series. All you have to do is cut out all the bits about “the one” and tell a show about the police officers who patrol the multiverse (multiple dimensions). Make it part police procedural, part action and you’ve got the makings of an awesome show.Problem: A TV version of The One can’t be anthology style like The Outer Limits or other shows (i.e. the terrible Dollhouse). It has to really get into the characters and provide more than a repetition of the same basic plot over and over.Pitch: Science Fiction has a love affair with Law & Order. Alien/AliensTwo classics of science fiction, the series has recently been bastardized in the Alien vs. Predator movies and is desperately in need of a proper revival. A TV show produced by one of the cable networks with quality writing, plenty of the dark, scary horror, and the military-style science fiction elements could remind us what was so awesome about the originals. There’s potential for an expansive look into the universe that gave us Ripley and the alien queen, with all kinds of social and political dynamics coming into play.Problem: Whoever tries to pull this off would has to realize that the only way Alien/s can work is with decent writing, good special effects, and realistic portrayals of the aliens. This means no TV-quality CG and a lot of attention paid to detail. While the original Alien was sparse, a TV show has to do more.Pitch: Aliens. That is all. The Fifth ElementCut out all of the heavy religious stuff (which worked well for the movie) and you could have a really interesting world to work with for a TV show. The Fifth Element is one of those weird, strangely lovable films that gives you so much, but can only develop a few of the important points before ending. A TV show, however, could take all of those bits that we only got a glimpse of and make a pretty weird, pretty fun story.Problem: Deciding what kind of story to tell in this particular universe would be a tough choice. Do you ignore the original characters in exchange for a broader, adventurous, slightly odd show, or do you stick with the God person and the cab driver? That’s a tough choice.Pitch: It’s Star Wars meets Red Dwarf and Total Recall. Serenity/FireflyYes, it’s already been a TV show. Yes, it was canceled. But the fact that Whedon’s fans helped spawn the movie Serenity should be reason enough to consider the possibility of a revival of a Firefly series. Just imagine what it would be like to see Reynolds and his crew firing up the sky with Serenity, causing mayhem and havoc wherever they go. There’s still life in the series, and fans would fall head over heels for the opportunity to see it back on their television screens.Problem: It’s already been canceled once. The solution is to host the show on another network, preferably one that has a healthy respect for science fiction. Besides, some of the original characters were killed off in Serenity, and Whedon would have to come up with some damned good reasons to replace them.Pitch: A western in space with your lovable ragtag group of smugglers, gunhands, and government experiments. Starship TroopersYes, I am well aware of the horrible animated show and the various craptastic sequels to the original movie, but if any concept deserves a shot at being blown up Band of Brothers style by HBO or Showtime, it is Starship Troopers. With a decent budget and some good writing, this classic science fiction satire could really take Heinlein’s original novel to new heights. All it needs is a little facelift and some good, honest

5 More Things No Writer Should Ever Do

The publishing world is an interesting place. It’s full of eccentrics and alcoholics and all manner of slightly-mental weirdos and nutbags who make life interesting. When I wrote the original “10 Things No Writer Should Ever Do,” I kept it fairly focused on the issue of submissions, with a few allusions to certain nutty writers. Now’s the time for a much more interesting list of things no writer should ever do: Photoshop yourself into the photo of an established author.I’m sure there’s an intelligent reason to do this in an alternate dimension where unethical practices are acceptable, but in the real world there’s no logical reason to do something this stupid, especially if you’re not going to do it very well. Robert Stanek, a self-published author of supposedly terrible fantasy novels, did just that. Claiming to have done a book signing with Brian Jacques, Stanek photoshopped himself into a picture, but forgot to include his legs underneath the table. He’s tried to play it off as either jealous authors trying to discredit him or an evil anti-Stanek conspiracy a la Area 51 where evil gerbils from space are trying to ruin his life. Okay, so he didn’t say that last one, but he might as well have. And what’s wrong with this? It’s all kinds of stupid. Don’t do it. It makes you look like a horrible human being and could be a career killer. Plus, it’s a good idea to at least pretend that you exist in reality as fantasy writers. We have enough problems convincing people we’re not all wackjobs with unhealthy interests in things that don’t exist… Use fake accounts to post negative reviews of your “competition” while sneakily name-dropping yourself.Stanek again? Well he’s not the only one, and this kind of stuff happens all over the place, it just so happens to get more notice when someone with a certain level of Internet clout does it. But either way, it’s bad news. If you get caught it could have devastating consequences for your career. Your accounts could be banned from Amazon, along with your books, and you could end up being the social pariah of the publishing community, unless you’re good at spinning a conspiracy story. Some people have that skill. Others end up looking like that crazy homeless guy who thinks Big Foot ate his shoes and sold his parents to the Chupacabra. Use fake accounts to post positive reviews of your own work.As if the item before this weren’t bad enough, some folks have been accused and others found guilty of trying to hype themselves by using fake Amazon accounts to write fake positive reviews. Amazon, it seems is trying to combat this sort of thing by introducing a system that lets people know if a certain user actually bought the book in question from Amazon, but it’s a few years too late and a step or two too short of being efficient. The ore pressing concern is that there’s all kinds of stupid about this. Look, it’s lame enough to have your parents review your book, but it’s worse when you have to do it yourself. Is it that hard to get reviews these days? Maybe some authors don’t have parents, or they have no friends to hit up for reviews. Whatever the reason, getting caught being an idiot is no picnic. At least if you’re going to fake your reviews, be creative about it. Write a memoir full of fiction.Remember that guy from Oprah who wrote that memoir full of half-truths and lies? He sold a crapload of books, primarily because he was on Oprah, but he’s also now remembered for being a lying scumbag. The moral of the story? Don’t lie. Fiction writers generally have to lie, since everything they write about isn’t true anyway, but don’t go above and beyond and start lying about everything else. Don’t make up stories or exaggerate your own life just to sell books. It’s not worth it. Because when someone figures out the truth, it’ll hit you like a brick wall. Ask the crash test dummies how that feels… Sue people when legally you have no recourse to do so.This has happened in almost every media field, from television to literature, and it’s become far more common today because the Internet makes it so darn easy. The worst thing about this is that some people don’t understand that you can’t sue someone for stating an opinion about the quality of your work; the result is that a lot of naive folks will back down under the pressure of fake legal notices. And scam authors know this. A friend of mine once received a notice telling her she would be sued by a guy claiming to be an author’s legal representative, but who turned out to be the kid’s father. The notice, by the way, claimed that my friend could be sued for material damages for stating an opinion, one that happened to be 100% true (the author’s work really sucked something awful). But authors keep doing things like this, sending out legal notices and trying to sue people for their opinions. Why is this a problem? Well, for one, it’s illegal to send fake legal notices in certain instances. The big one, though, is that you look like a thin-skinned little weasel and it adds weight to the very things you’re trying to stifle. You don’t see bestselling authors doing things like this very often for a reason. It’s just stupid. What other stupid things have you seen authors doing? If you’ve got an interesting story to bring my way, let me know in the comments!

Dr. Shaun Duke, Professional Nerd

Editor. Writer. Professor. Host.

Tag: Lists

Top 10 Most Commented-on Posts on WISB

38 Reasons Why Darth Vader is Better (and Cooler) Than Iron Man

Top 7 James Bond Title Themes

10 Things You Learn About the Internet (in a couple months)

Seven Science Fiction Movies That Should Be TV Shows

5 More Things No Writer Should Ever Do