38 Reasons Why Darth Vader is Better (and Cooler) Than Iron Man
io9 recently posted a list of 38 reasons why Iron Man is better than Vader. As a Star Wars fan, I am horribly offended. Tony Stark? Better than Vader? Pah! That’s a load of crap, and here’s why (more after the fold; click the read more): Vader practically rules the entire frakking Galaxy. Stark can barely hang on to his own damned company. Vader has the Force. Iron Man has…a pretty kickass suit that, but it wouldn’t stand up against Force lightning or a Vader temper tantrum. John frakking Williams. Yeah. Vader doesn’t have any STDs. Stark? Probably a few dozen. Maybe even some we haven’t heard of yet. Vader has a lightsaber. And a spaceship. And an army. And cool bounty hunters like Boba freaking Fett. And a frakking space station for a house. And enough capital to build a second frakking space station when the first one gets blown up. Vader doesn’t have the U.S. government trying to take his shit. Vader has a son who turns out to be kind of a badass Jedi. Stark has a few dozen illegitimate children who’ll eventually come begging for college tuition. Vader also has a daughter who also turns out to be kind of a badass. Read the books. Vader says cool things like “the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.” When Vader says stuff like #14, he’s not bullshitting. And we know it. Stark is pretty much 95% bullshit. It’s cute, but that 5% doesn’t do much for his credibility. Vader has a whole fleet of frakking chauffeurs. Hello? Did you see all the times he was ferried around by Imperial dudes in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi? Vader builds complicated, advanced machines and computers at the tender age of 10. Star Wars. Six movies. And the first film made double what Iron Man brought in after being adjusted for inflation. All that without having a pre-established brand. Yeah. When Vader designs an artificial intelligence, it’s actually useful. Remember that arm droid thingy in Stark’s garage? Now that’s annoying as shit… And Vader’s artificial intelligences are insanely complex. C-3PO? Speaks just about every language ever invented. Yeah, what do you say to that, Stark? Vader doesn’t need a stupid super suit to jump 100 feet. He can just Force jump that shit. And Vader can sense danger and emotions and loads of other crazy things that you didn’t think could be read. Why? Because he has the frakking Force. Magic, fools. Magic. James Earl Jones. Vader has his own theme song. Vader flies around in Star Destroyers. Stark has a private jet, which is cool, until you realize that it can’t go into space, can’t go into hyperspace, and is basically cannon fodder for anything with guns… Vader can stop laser beams with his hands. Vader’s enemies are actually quite competent, which means he actually has to do some real work. Stark’s first enemies in the first Iron Man movie are so stupid they don’t even realize he’s building a freaking super suit in their cave… When people fail Vader, he chokes them to death. None of that goofing off crap with him. Vader owns the military. He doesn’t have to impress them to get their money. Vader chops off his son’s hand, knowing it’s his son, all to prove a point. Vader has no qualms about striking down his old man mentor. Why? Because Vader is a badass and doesn’t take crap from nobody. As far as we know, Vader doesn’t have goo inside his chest. On top of that, Vader’s chest also isn’t a damned Operation board game. Vader can rap. Vader is one of the most quoted fictional characters ever. “Luke, I am your father…” That’s right. When he dies, he gets to become a cool ghost thing, where he’ll spend eternity hanging out with his friends. Stark will just be dead in a ditch somewhere. Maybe he’ll go to Heaven, but probably not. Vader can dance. No speculation. He can dance. He’s Darth freaking Vader. Why do you need 38 reasons to understand this? There. Problem solved.
Immortality: If you could live forever, would you? (Poll)
(Note: There is a poll on the left sidebar. Vote away!) Some time ago there was a news story about a species of jellyfish that is essentially immortal. Apparently this species is able to revert back to its earliest stage of life over and over, effectively removing natural death from its biological spectrum. This would be similar to a human being having the ability to revert back to an infant and relive through childhood, adolescence, and so on, again…and again…and again. Since scientists are hard at work trying to figure out how to reverse, or at least stop, the aging process, it seems only fair that I would bring up the age old question: If you could live forever, would you? Why or why not? Personally, I don’t know. Assuming that to live forever means to live forever in general good health (unless I screw that up on my own by becoming a drunk or a parachute ninja), to answer that question is rather difficult. I mean, if you could live forever, but you kept aging, that would be nothing but terrible. Who wants to spend two hundred years with a walker or stuck in a chair watching re-runs of old sports games and eating Grape Nuts and prunes (because they’re good for your bowel movements, after all)? Not even old people want to do that. They think they do, but in reality…they don’t. They’ve simply come to terms with the mediocrity of elderly existence (E.E. for short). But if I could live forever without aging terribly, without having my organs fail for reasons not of my own doing, or without having to revert back to childhood or turn into a half-robot monstrosity, I think I would. Here are a few reasons why: –Space. The unfortunate thing about being alive in this time is that I’ll get to see the space tourist industry rise to the occasion, but by the time I can afford one of these cool space trips, I’ll be too damned old to survive the flight. Living forever might mean I get to see the stars with my own eyes from the safety of Earth orbit, or, if I’m lucky, maybe actual stars and other planets. Maybe I’ll discover, once and for all, the planet where all the ninjas come from (you know what I’m talking about, so don’t pretend like you’re not on the up-and-up on Nunchuckto 9). –Flying car. Happening in my life time? Yes. Will I be able to drive one before I get too old to have a license anymore? I doubt it. If I were immortal, well, enough said about that. –The cure for cancer. I’m a survivor and, as such, have a soft spot in my heart for this discovery. It’ll happen soon. I’d like to see us come up with the cure for everything. That would be kickass. –Laser swords. You know some crazy guy in his basement is going to come up with one of these in 40 years, and it’ll work, and we can go back to feudal times when duels were acceptable. And in 40 years, we’ll be able to grow back limbs and all that, so a laser battle won’t be such a bad thing. But, I’ll probably be three-quarters-dead in 40 years. I want a laser sword. So. Yeah. I am, of course, fully aware of the downsides to being immortal. For example, if you’re the only immortal person in the universe, then that means you’ll have to watch all your friends and family members and pets and politicians die. The last one might not be so bad, but the first three would suck, especially if you kept having to go through that century after century. Not to mention that after living for a few hundred years, there’s not much you can do to avoid being that creepy old guy who hits on college chicks. You might not look old, but you really are, and if ever there was a need for an international law to protect the young from creepy old guys, it would definitely be for this. The other downsides might be:–Monogamy. I don’t know many people who can stand being with someone for centuries and centuries. One century is pushing it, and if your significant other is immortal too, then you’re in for a rude awakening. –Crazy religious people will hate you. You’ll either be loved like a God (which would be cute for about ten minutes, and then it’d get really old), or hated for being Satan (in which case you could spend an entire immortal life running from people who would rather have your head on a plate than see you outlive them). You’d likely have to keep it secret, particularly because of the next downside… –Evil old white guys who don’t want to die and crazy pseudo-scientists who want to use you as an experiment to discover the true meaning of life or whatever it is they’re searching for. This all depends on the kind of immortality you have, and whether you’re the only one alive or whether you’re on a planet full of immortal people. But the worst case scenario doesn’t look good. So, now that I’ve pontificated on the great immortality debate, I want to know what you think: Would you want to be immortal? Why or why not? Let me know in the comments and check out the poll on the left sidebar!
PCA/ACA Conference: Day Five and Six (The End)
Well, to wrap up my brief recap of the PCA/ACA conference, I have some general impressions, a discussion of a screening of the director’s cut of Aliens, a few more words about some panels I visited on the last day, and some new reading for the reading list! We’ll do it in that order. Also, I have a post in the works about the presence of science fiction and fantasy in airports, which clearly hinges off of this trip. Look forward to that in the next few days. Now, to the final days of the conference! The conference was pretty much all kinds of awesome. I learned a lot of amazing things and made some great contacts (professional and otherwise). Career-wise, I think this conference has been more influential than any of the others I have attended. I made contacts with two publishers who are working on two separate projects: McFarland and Intellect. The former has a running series of scholarly work on various aspects of science fiction and I may be submitting a proposal to them early next year (once I finish my MA). The publisher of that particular track ran a brief Q&A session where scholars could basically ask questions to the editors involved (very helpful indeed). The second is an academic journal publisher who primarily focuses on film, culture, and horror; the fellow who was there indicated to me, however, that they are trying to put together a science fiction journal (which would make the grand total of serious academic journals for SF to six: Foundation, Extrapolation, Science Fiction Studies, FemSpec, and Science Fiction and Television)–I brought his contact information to some of my professors at the University of Florida (apparently they’re working on building a science fiction track here, which is totally awesome). Additionally, I found out about two book projects that are looking for essays and I intend to submit to both! Beyond that, I had a blast hanging out with people and talking about science fiction and all sorts of other topics. I made some excellent new friends and I may propose a panel next year on ninjas (from an academic standpoint, obviously; yes, there is a lot to say about ninjas). We’ll see. Any emerging scholars out there might consider checking out the PCA/ACA conference next year, which will be in San Antonio, TX. It’ll a lot of fun! Now, for other things. The last night of the conference ended with a viewing of the director’s cut of Aliens, one of the best science fiction movies ever made. I’ve never seen this particular version, and it is certainly enjoyable to see (they added in a few scenes that give more context to the overall narrative, which definitely makes it better). The best part of going to a film screening like this, however, is being in a room full of like-minded fans. Why? Because when you’ve seen a movie like Aliens a few dozen times (or even once), some lines of dialogue in the early parts of the movie actually become quite comical. Take, for example, when Burke says he’ll keep Ripley safe and that they’re going to the colony to destroy, not collect; having seen the movie, you know that’s all a load of bullcrap, and when you’re in a room full of people who know this too, laughter ensues. You should try it. Best film screening ever! Moving on to the recap of the panels: –The most fascinating paper on the last day of the conference dealt with the interesting relationship of various characters to books/literacy in a wide-range of post-apocalyptic fiction. The presenter made an interesting argument that, in post-apocalyptic literature, books and other written mediums become a kind of survival mechanism (at least in some cases). Very interesting approach. –The last panel I saw was actually a roundtable on teaching horror films. I didn’t attend any pedagogical panels at the SWTXPCA conference in February, but I attended this one because it seemed more geared to my interests. I have no idea how I can work in a horror film in a composition course, but the advice they gave was excellent. We’ll see if I can work it out. Reading/Watching List:–Supernatural–Earth Abides–“The Long Emergency”–After London–The Edukators And that’s basically it. The sixth day mentioned in the title was actually my last day in St. Louis; the conference ended on day five. The trip back was pretty much uneventful, but somewhat depressing. I didn’t want to leave. I really enjoyed the conference and I hate going home knowing that so many of these fascinating people are floating out there in other places, inaccessible to immediate conversation. I hope I’ll have the opportunity to meet some of the same folks again in the future (I talk to a number of them online now, but that’s not the same). In any case, that’s all I have. So, back to regular programming! P.S.: I had my first ever Shepherd’s Pie at this conference and also experienced a tapas (small portion) restaurant. The former was pretty freaking good and the latter was tasty, but not quite worth the money; I am not tapas friendly.
J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek: An Addendum (to my review)
Some time ago I posted a scathing review of the new Star Trek movie. That post has since become one of biggest traffic and comment drivers on this blog. Thinking back, I do have some additional thoughts on the movie, and one thought in particular that I think may explain more about why I really dislike the newest film. I am fully aware that time travel has been a staple within the Star Trek universe, what with the fifth movie having a plot centered entirely around that subject (the one with the whales is the fifth, right?). But what concerns me most about the newest Star Trek movie is that its use of time travel is essentially a non-starter. What do I mean by that? The problem with the newest movie is precisely that its time travel narrative essentially makes the entire movie pointless. If it is that easy to manipulate the course of time, then what is the point of telling a story in this universe? Some new writer could come along and rewrite the entire universe again just so we have something “fresh” and “new” to work with. And in another ten, the same thing (or maybe forty would be the more appropriate number, since that’s sort of how long it took to get this reboot). What about the characters? They become meaningless too, because nothing they do actually matters. It can simply be rewritten. Some characters might not exist at all and some will be replaced. This is the problem with time travel narratives as a whole. Back to the Future only works because it makes fun of itself; the series is centered around a purely comical farce and doesn’t take itself too seriously because of that. But Star Trek is not a comedy, nor based in a universe centered on a farce (at least, it’s not supposed to be). Star Trek takes itself fairly serious, because it should be a serious endeavor; the shows and movies try to address a possible future, not a farcical one (can you really take seriously a time machine built into a DeLorean or, dare I say, a hot tub?). This fact is what bothers me the most about the newest Star Trek. It is too easy and simple to rewrite the course of history, to rewrite characters and plots and entire populations of people (you can now destroy planets, never mind that the very concept of one ship taking out an entire advanced civilization is so mind-bogglingly idiotic it hurts to think about). If Abrams wanted to rewrite Star Trek, he should have ignored time altogether. Just rewrite it. Take the old, update it, make it flashier, stronger, more character driven, and so on. Don’t establish a precedent for the pointless. Or, perhaps the better idea would be to ignore the standard cast of characters and start something completely new. It’s yet to be done. Nobody has started a Star Trek movie with an unknown group of characters (or at least a group that hasn’t been talked much about within the various series) and spawned a series of films about them. What a better way to reboot a franchise than to start clean! But maybe that’s why I don’t make movies. Originality and logic seem to have fallen to the wayside in Hollywood. Thoughts? Opinions?
PCA/ACA Conference: Day Four (More Panels!)
The fourth day of my trip to the PCA/ACA conference proved to be as intellectually stimulating as the last, and it began with a fun discussion of cannibals! Here’s the recap, followed by more additions to the reading list: –The panel on cannibals in horror literature and film was somewhat disturbing. One of the panelists spent a considerable amount of time talking about rather controversial films about cannibals from the 60s and so on. Disturbing? Yes. Interesting? Very. There was also some discussion of the evolution of vampires in popular cultural consciousness and other fun things like that. –One of the panels I attended actually involved the discussion of three novels I read for the same science fiction course back when I was an undergrad (Black No More by George Schuyler, Brown Girl in the Ring by Nalo Hopkinson, and Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler). All the papers presented had a lot to say, but I think the most interesting was the one on Butler’s novel, which talked about the different representations of community in Butler’s post-apocalyptic Earth. –The most shocking experience was having someone discuss a paper on Pokemon in such a manner that I can honestly say I was completely mind-effed. Think of it this way. Take the Master/Slave dialectic and apply it to Pokemon. Exactly. I recall groaning out loud when I saw that that paper was on a panel I wanted to go to, but looking back I can honestly say I was pleasantly surprised! Reading/Watching List:–Vampire in Brooklyn–The Historian–Der Vampir–The Giaour–The Vampyre–The Mysterious Stranger–Cannibal Holocaust–I Am Legend–Let the Right One In (book)–Otherness by David Brin–Black Empire by George Schuyler–Phillip Wegner on writing the Republic–“The Other Question” by Homi K. Bhabha–Buffy (series) There you have it!
PCA/ACA Conference: Day Three (Books and Panels)
Day three started in the publisher’s room, which is not unlike a dealer’s room at an Anime or science fiction convention, only there are academic books and journals for sale (or for free), rather than toys and movies (though sometimes there are movies up for grabs). I managed to snatch up a few fascinating titles, which I’ll mention at the end of this post. For now, here is a brief recap of the panels I attended, followed by additions to the reading list I started here and a list of the things I purchased (for cheap, I might add): –The first panel I attended was on the work of Stephen King. I’m not much of a Stephen King fan, but I am a huge fan of the movie It. One of the presenters was talking about that book/movie in particular; she made the curious point that monsters in horror often act as a way for us to indulge in anti-social behavior and to release emotions through channels that don’t threaten our subjectivity or social lives. I tend to agree, though I hope to get the opportunity to read the full paper soon. –I had ulterior motives for attending so many horror panels at the PCA/ACA conference. I’m not a horror scholar, but, well, we’ll just leave it at that. The second horror panel of the third day turned out to be equally as fascinating, dealing extensively with Stephen King’s Pet Sematary, along with some other issues. There was some talk of adaptations of King’s work into things like picture books and artwork, but the most interesting paper dealt with the nature of faces in Pet Sematary (he was dealing particularly with Deleuze and Guattari’s discussions of faciality in A Thousand Plateaus). It was a fascinating panel. –Probably the most useful panel for me was the publishing panel for the Journal of Popular Culture and the Journal of American Culture. I learned quite a bit about what they are looking for and so on. I’ll be submitting something to the popular culture journal for sure. –There was another panel I attended, but it was by far overshadowed by the showing of Killer Klowns From Outer Space in the late evening. I’ve never seen it before, and if you haven’t, you should. It’s the most ridiculous and hilarious horror farce I have seen in a long time. It does it’s humor in a way that horror spoofs don’t today. It was a blast being in a room of thirty people, and the fine folks at the hotel provided popcorn for the viewing. Plus, I won a copy of The Bride of Chucky! Good times! Reading/Watching List:–It by Stephen King–Babcock on the trickster figure–Duma Key by Stephen King–The Dark Tower series by Stephen King–George Beam/Beme’s book on visual representations of Stephen King’s work–Lesley Fielder on the fall of innocence–Joseph Campbell on the epic hero–The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon (popup book) by Stephen King–Linda Hutcheons on adaptation–Ursula K. Le Guin on the carriage bag theory–Pet Sematary–Deleuze and Guattari on faciality (A Thousand Plateaus)–Slavov Zizek on Pet Sematary–Jean Francis Lyotard on the inhuman–Three Extremes (film)–The Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance, Old Boy, and Lady Vengeance (films)–Fight Club (film)–The Domino Men by Jonathan Barnes–House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski–The Somnambulist by Jonathan Barnes–The Transitionist by Iain M. Banks–Dark Matter by Various–Patricia Briggs’ novels–Stanley Fish on the authorial community Books I Bought:–History, the Human, and the World Between by R. Radhakrishnan–Red Planets: Marxism and Science Fiction by Various (edited by Mark Bould and China Mieville)–FemSpec Volume 3, Issue 2 (2002)–Conversations With Ursula K. Le Guin edited by Carl Freedman–Conversations With Octavia Butler edited by Conseula Francis–Cylons in America: Critical Studies in Battlestar Galactica edited by Tiffany Potter and C. W. Marshall–Cyberculture, Cyborgs, and Science Fiction: Consciousness and the Posthuman by William S. Haney II–Conversations With Samuel R. Delany edited by Carl Freedman And there you have it. More to come!