DJ Alabaster Durengratz, The Professor (1922-???)

Born to Philippa Alabaster and Ember Sooule, DJ Alabaster Durengratz became the first member of the League of Orderly Languages to assume the role of Professor of Linguistic Offenses at the Little Morgan Associative Order, an oddly-named university in Chicago which remained a secret until the election of Bill Clinton in 1992. In his early years, Durengratz was known for his bookishness and love of hot dogs, learning to read by the age of 2 and participating in the International Linguistic Trials at age 9. By his teen years, he received a prestigious scholarship to the MIT Institution of Linguistic Arts, where he excelled in mockery studies and the artistic expressions of late 19th-century vulgar poets of the Levant.

After receiving a PhD in Linguistic Arts at the tender age of 22, Durengratz opted against entering the professoriate to join the Monastic Order of the Word, a non-Biblical religious group dedicated to uncovering the mystical underpinnings of the languages of the gods (English, Xhosa, Akkadian, Santa, and North African Latin). There, he helped design the Porter Experiment of 1951, which used mind-enhancing substances to reproduce language savantism. These experiments eventually resulted in one subject, Wilhelm Alcott Spunge, spontaneously combusting to become a cloud of sentient energy connected to the Universal Intelligence, a quasi-computer godlette believed to have caused the first visible supernova in 185 CE. Through interactions with the UI, Durengratz and his colleagues began to assemble a mystical dictionary containing the first known words used to activate the power of language (now known as the Titrate Language Directory and Repository). Among the discovered terms were “pork,” “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” “organ” (the instrument; the specificity matters); and “offensive.”

Following these initial experiments and discoveries, Durengratz decided to leave the MOW for a professor position at the L.O.L. (Zegeretz division). This is now believed to be the result of a dispute about the appropriate use of the TLDR. According to the remaining members of the now-defunct MOW, Durengratz believed that continuing to engage in the Porter Experiment would unveil the potential for a human being to become permanently tied to the universe and, thus, possess its powers. This led to the Durengratz-Samwell Altercation, wherein another member of the MOW, Orville Samwell, was driven to tears by Durengratz's expert knowledge of ancient mockeries. Angered, Durengratz joined the L.O.L. and returned to his experiments with almost no oversight.

In 1989, Durengratz disappeared. The official record claims that this was due to a spy exchange at the end of the Cold War. However, members of MOW and L.O.L. both assert that he was instead successful in converting himself into cosmic energy and ascended to godhood; disillusioned by the dullness of human experience, he left the solar system. Some believe he intended to create his own solar system to “play with.” Others believe he instead realized that the universe would eventually come to an end and decided to find a way to use the force of the universe to stop it; this is considered by many to be viciously circular.

To date, the government claims that Durengratz has not been seen by anyone on Earth. This is, however, likely untrue, as his favorite food can only be found on this planet; currently, there is an international shortage of hot dogs in the Eastern United States, which the government claims is the result of a general strike among hot dog manufacturers. There is no record of a general strike.