Matthew "the Nightmare" Cavanagh, the Undefeated Champion (1955-2032)

Born on February 15th to Bill Crenshaw Cavanagh and Marlene Hammersmith, Matthew “the Nightmare” Cavanagh was the third cousin (twice removed) of the famous heavyweight boxer, Stergard Ebbering Montagu – himself thirteenth in line for the title of Earl of Sandwich. Rejected by his inherited bloodline and abandoned to the rough streets of Kensington, Matthew learned at a young age to defend himself and his family. According to legend, he landed his first knockout punch at age seven against Jimmy Scott Taylor, who would eventually become known as the Boltons Slasher after a string of brutal murders in the vicinity of St. Mary the Boltons. Afraid that young Matthew would end up in the criminal life, his parents enrolled him in the Tesco Boxing School, renowned for training champion boxers such as Sil Cunningham, Orville Spot, and Tammy Fulham of Christchurch.

Matthew took to boxing like a fish to water, working his way up the ladder to become a top prospect in the amateur circuit. At sixteen, he successfully earned a spot on British Olympic boxing team, facing and knocking out Uzbekistan heavyweight Timur Umarov in the second round of the gold medal match. He remained on the amateur circuit for another year, amassing a 141-3 record before turning professional in the summer of 1973. His arrival on the professional scene sparked immediate media interest. Before his first fight, he had already acquired sponsorships from Warburtons, Bettys and Taylors of Harrogate, and Marmite. Additional sponsorships and TV advertising spots came after his first title fight in 1974 against Tommy Relish.

For seven years, Matthew maintained an undefeated record with an 87% KO ratio, earning multiple heavyweight belts. He also became known as “the Nightmare” due to his unique boxing flurries, which could both knock out an opponent with ease and give a viewer the impression that he had been possessed. After receiving this name, Matthew began wearing an elaborate monster costume during his ring walks; this act forced television broadcasters to list his fights as unsuitable for children.

In 1983, rumors circulated that a unification bout was in the works between Matthew and Obert Skyefallow III, an American heavyweight champion. After six months of negotiations, including a request by Skyefallow that the bout be hosted in Tibet during a full moon, the fight was scheduled for December 15th, 1983. While Matthew was never the superstitious type – unlike Chris Eubank – he did seek the council of famed yogi Ponce Teagarden, who instructed him in a now-discredited form of controlled breathing. On December 15th, Matthew appeared in the ring in his customary monster uniform with an air of calm about him; the calmness followed him through the entire bout. In round 8, Matthew landed a clean left hook, sending Skyefallow to the canvas in the cool Tibetan air. Ringside reporters claim that Skyefallow was so dazed by the punch that he began to mutter nonsense; later, Skyefallow fell into a coma and awoke speaking Hindi, a language he didn't actually know. The incident sparked a debate about the safety of boxing, though some commentators firmly believed that the rapid onset of a second language was hardly an unwelcome medical condition.

After becoming the undisputed and unified heavyweight champion, Matthew spent ten years defending his titles, fighting such greats as Dill Samford, Takeshi Oto, Wally Embry, and Uther Gungdresch. He retired in 1994 with a record of 98-0 with an 88% KO ratio. In retirement, he started a website about birds and wrote three middlegrade novels about a boxing badger named Philbert. In 2032, Matthew passed quietly in the night after consuming too many jalapeño poppers, leaving behind seven children and his wife, Vera Shropshire.