Tarie Vos von Crawford, Baroness of Earth 1133-A-99-546 (1966-???)

Born to Charles Uphenus von Crawford and Merle Mephisto Spring, Tarie von Crawford (later Vos von Crawford) is one of nine individuals from Earth 1133-A-99-546 (also: Earth 1133 Prime) to have earned a wanted status on our Earth (see Earth Prime and List of Known Parallel Earths). Her parents were members of a monastic order dedicated to the sun god Aten and participated as missionaries to Europe, which had been largely decimated by an asteroid impact in 1835 and had yet to recover. Raised as an anticolonialist in a resurgent United Africa, she spent much of her youth participating in missions with her parents, studying molecular biology at the prestigious Lagos Institute, and developing her skills at Morabaraba. By age 13, she became a regional Morabaraba champion and considered turning professional before being diverted to understanding violence after the 1981 terrorist attacks in Capetown by the radical anti-environmentalist doomsday cult Free Oils Syndicate. Though the FOS disbanded shortly after, ushering in a prolonged period without terrorist activity in United Africa, the discovery of television signals (especially broadcasts of Charlie’s Angels, The Six Million Dollar Man, and Dallas) from other Earths convinced her to pursue a sociological and biological method for pacification.

In 1982, Tarie was accepted into the School of the Eternal Archive, a library city near Timbuktu containing approximately 320 million records dating back to the first known written word (see Idmah’s Complaints). For the next ten years, she dedicated herself to the study of violence as both philosophical concept and biological error. In her earliest public writings, she expressed an explicit interest in the eradication of violence through a form of social therapy; however, by 1988, her tactics had shifted to a biological method involving the genetic makeup of sloths. Despite the illegality of genetic testing, she performed her first experiments on cockatoos, successfully turning them docile until they could be handled safety even by the most poorly behaved child. Immediately after, she tested her “violence vaccine” on an unsuspecting fellow classmate, Chris Donkle, who fortunately experienced a toxic reaction which caused him to melt into primordial goo. Thereafter, Tarie became obsessed with an airborne transmission of the vaccine, which she would administer to the entire populace.

Sometime in 1990, authorities at the School of the Eternal Archive discovered Tarie’s plans and had her expelled. Though Tarie had experimented on a classmate, this incident was not cited as a particular concern, in large part because, as one official said, “nobody liked Chris anyway.” Her parents, however, attempted to force her on a mission trip to London in 1991; instead, Tarie fled to Costa Rica, met a lesbian woman named Kathy Vos Wanderlust III, and, through marriage, inadvertently became a baroness of moderate-repute in Costa Rica’s relatively small royal family. There, she used the power of the Vos family to her advantage and built a massive telecommunications tower capable of delivering messages globally and across universes (see The Turrialba Pacification Tower).

The first communications received in Earth Prime occurred during game 3 of the 1989 World Series (Earth Prime is approximately 2.533756 years behind Earth 1133 Prime). This was explained as an earthquake by the live broadcast but has since been confirmed by the Pentagon as a spacetime communication disruption. A second attempt was made in Earth Prime’s 1995, which interrupted an interview with Newt Gingrich on CBS’s Eye to Eye, though this was less alarming or concerning than the World Series incident; indeed, the incident led to the slang phrase “to pull a Newt,” wherein one interrupts someone else solely to improve the quality of conversation. Tarie finally made true contact in Earth Prime’s 1999, successfully hijacking the feed for CNN’s New Year’s Eve broadcast and delivering seventeen uninterrupted minutes of anti-violent rhetoric, though much of this was not recorded due to a Y2K error (see the Y2K Conspiracy). As a result of the broadcast, the Central Intelligence Agency and Interpol assigned Tarie a wanted status on Earth Prime.

Little is known of the post-2000 era on Earth 1133 Prime except that Tarie eventually sought the help of renowned physicist Chance French to devise a method for crossing between universes using a combination of the sonic resonances of cockatoo screams, the genetic capacities of tumors, and advanced quantum engineering. According to some reports, Tarie crossed over into our universe sometime in 2006 and now resides in Oregon. However, these reports are indistinguishable from conspiracy at this moment.