August 2008

World in the Satin Bag

WBM: Bestiary–Knockers

Location and General InformationKnockers are found underground either in undiscovered underground caves and caverns, or in mines. Some knockers have been found in the sewage systems of cities, but it is thought that these are either rejects of knocker culture or confused or poisoned individuals who have become lost. On some occasions a particularly crazy knocker may inhabit a cellar.Knockers are best known by miners for their mostly helpful nature. They are naturally in tune with the earth and can sense where the richer veins of minerals are, signalling with knocks or bangs. So long as the knockers are fed, they are more than willing to help miners find their riches, but the moment someone denies them their indulgences they can become violent. They are too small to cause serious damage by themselves, but they can lead miners to dangerous areas or cause havoc.For fun, the knockers like to make their appearances more disgusting than they naturally are. This can scare miners who aren’t expecting it. DescriptionsKnockers are roughly a foot tall. Their faces are wrinkly and covered in warts and bumps and they have milk-white eyes; their heads are too large for their bodies, but they seem to show no strain in holding up such big craniums. Their torsos, arms, and legs are almost always sickeningly thin, even though they are healthy. They tend to have no hair, but sometimes they have little greasy strands on the points of their heads. For clothing they often wear small helmits and worn clothing of various colors. Sometimes they have thick boots, but most of the time they walk barefoot. MagicKnockers, as mentioned, are naturally in tune with the earth, always aware of where the rich veins of minerals are or where the earth is loose and might post problems for miners. Additionally they have the ability to alter their appearances, but only in one direction–making themselves look uglier. Beyond this they have no other magical abilities. CreationThere are no female knockers, oddly enough. They are instead born from the earth. Altern’s inner core produces surges of lava on occasion that plow over rich soil and forest. It is from this explosion of molten rock that they are born, rising from the drying remains of volcanic eruptions. They mold their faces while the lava is still pliable and then they walk away in search of dark recesses to hide in or miners to aid. CultureKnockers are not an overly complex people on the surface. They seem more like tricksters or mimickers rather than individuals, seeing how they spend their days helping minors, pretending to be minors themselves, or trying to ruin miners who have wronged them. But they do have a culture that is relatively unique that is not influenced by human culture. There have been twenty-seven knocker wars, all of which have resulted in the closure of many mines that were once profitable. Knockers absolutely hate arrogance, especially among their own kind, and it is seen as a sign of disrespect and worthy of punishment. The problem is that knockers often become arrogant when dealing with arrogant knockers or people. Wars break out regularly, but thankfully humans are mostly unaware of them.Additionally the knockers are quite fond of celebrations and are greatly honored when humans invite them to human parties. Knocker parties are far different from human parties, however, as they often play a game called Bontrussle–almost always in intense competitions. Bontrussle is essentially a rock throwing competition, but inside of a cave system, where each knocker takes a turn chucking a rock down the tunnel, the object being to have the most ricochets and the longest distance. Accusations over someone cheating are made every single time.So, knockers are not as simple as they might seem.

World in the Satin Bag

McDonald’s, Gays, and Retarded Rightwing Christians

An appropriate subtitle to this would be: Why boycotting McDonald’s won’t do a damn thing. So, according to Fox, the ever fair and balanced network (yes, as fair and balanced as Hitler, bah!) a Christian Group is boycotting McDonald’s after they made a donation to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. How many people are boycotting thus far? Two-hundred thousand. Why won’t this matter one tiny bit? I give you the following quote from the McDonald’s website in their FAQ section: Every day McDonald’s serves more than 47 million customers around the world. That’s every day. Not every year, every month, every fortnight, or every week. That’s every single day. All 365 of them. That means McDonald’s serves roughly 17,155,000,000 people a year (not individuals, obviously). That also means that McDonald’s has likely sold enough french fries to alter the tides in the ocean. We should all be concerned.Anyway!Now, let’s just assume that all 200,000 of those on the boycott list keep up with it for the whole year. Heck, why don’t we give them the benefit of the doubt and say they manage to get 500,000 who can stick it out for a whole year, which I highly doubt will occur. McDonald’s will have lost a total of 182,500,000 customer sales. Sounds like a lot, right?Not really. That’s actually minuscule. They’ll have lost probably a couple billion dollars, but you want to know how they can make it up? Charge one penny more on every item on the list. Yup. One penny. Most of us wouldn’t notice and almost all of us wouldn’t care. Heck, you could just charge a penny on things with a 9 on the end of the price, just so you can keep your precious dollar menu. Guess what? McDonald’s now earns almost 17 billion extra dollars assuming everyone buys one item not on the dollar menu.And guess what? McDonald’s can shell out all the money they want without worrying about the wacko religious right not buying their products anymore. How long do you think you could live without a McDonald’s menu item, hmm? Guaranteed most of those boycotting won’t last more than six months. So, having said all that, I can say with absolute certainty that absolutely nothing will come of this boycott except McDonald’s going “huh, we can just charge a penny more on the Big Mac and make up the difference…go figure.” Stick by your principles all you want, but you look like a homophobic moron, you smell like one too, and most of the country will walk by you and giggle cause you’ll have done absolutely nothing for your cause except prove that you’re a homophobic moron. But hey, if that’s what you’re shooting for, then more power to you. Everyone should be able to live their dream right? If you can be a homophobic moron then I can be an astronaut! Ha!

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Movie Review: The Dark Knight

I’m a little late, but I had a lot to think about for this review. I’ve started doing my movie reviews for a friend. My review of The Dark Knight can be found here. Loved the movie, by the way. Anywho! (Don’t click the read more, there isn’t any more after this!)

World in the Satin Bag

Ten SF Technologies/Ideas I Think Won’t Come True

The title says it all. I’ve already done a post of ten ideas that I think will come true that are from science fiction, so now for the things that I think won’t come true. Some of these are on this list because they are scientific impossibilities, and others are here because I believe that we’ll never do them (probably because it’s too damn stupid). So, here goes: FTL TravelUnfortunately, I think Einstein was right. We can’t go faster than light. However, it’s quite possible alternatives will be created that technically move you faster than light, just not in the direct method we have right now (perhaps wormholes, which are allowed within Einstein’s theories, will become a part of all this). Resurrecting Dinosaurs or Other Prehistoric SpeciesFirstly, let’s just assume that we can or will be able to resurrect dinos like in Jurassic Park or by some other method. Why would we? Really, why? There’s really no reason, beyond knowing we can do it, to bring back those long-extinct creatures.But more to the point, I don’t think we’ll invest enough into this sort of thing to consider it. We can probably do it, or will be able to, but it’ll likely remain outside our reach because there’s just no reason to do it. Yeah, it would be cool to have a pet T-Rex, but science isn’t all about the cool. Cure-All Pill/Shot/Genetic ManipulationOkay, it’s entirely possible we will cure all the diseases we know about now, but I highly doubt we’ll ever have a one pill cure-all, nor do I believe we will genetically alter ourselves to be completely immune to all diseases, even new ones. New biological horrors show up all the time and there’s no way to have a pill that covers all bases, at least not without harming us more than the new diseases that might spring up will. I’d love this to be true, but I don’t see it. Stable Global GovernmentNo. Not going to happen. We might have some sort of semi-functional government, but short of wiping out half the planet there will always be people trying to knock things down. Global government has too many flaws. While we have a plethora of fantastic technologies that help us speak to one another from great distances, that won’t stop people from bickering and arguing. A global government will have more controversy than any localized government. It’s just too much work. It’s better to have a “collective” working for the same general goals, but entirely separate. Answers to the QuestionYes, “the” question. Where did we come from? And since “the” question is different to everyone: Is there a god? (or) Did we really evolve from microbial lifeforms?While we can say yes to that last one, I don’t know if we will ever be able to be 100% on it. As for the other stuff, well, let’s look at it this way. There’s no proof of God, so the likelihood that we’d find proof in the next bazillion years is really slim anyway (that likely won’t stop people from believing though). Then the first question is actually one of those endless cycle things. We may get more answers, but those answers will spark more questions, and so on. We’ll never really know where we came from or how we got here. We’ll just keep asking and finding answers, and asking again. Television (that beams into your head)This is just ridiculous. Why would we even want this? Really? I could be wrong and maybe we’ll have this, but I just don’t see a point. Maybe having it beam into your eye would be fine, but sitting on the couch and having some weird machine beam TV shows into your brain is just…stupid. That’s asking for trouble. Forced Evolution (in species other than ourselves)While it may be possible that we’ll be capable of doing this, I don’t see that we would do it beyond the typical couple of experiments. I think, in the end, even if the technology or ability becomes known to us, we’ll choose to ban it or cease doing it much like we did with cloning, only worse, because there could be serious ramifications for fiddling with the evolution of species other than ourselves. Remember Planet of the Apes? Well, what if that came true? I know, it sounds silly, but I’d rather not play with things we don’t need to play with anyway. We have robots who can do all the things we might need forced evolution for. The Super Non-Refueling Perpetual Energy Mega EngineBasically, you know when you read or see in a TV show that some enormous ship from Earth has an energy core that seems to only need replacing when someone damages it and never needs to be refueled, etc.? Yeah, well I’m calling B.S. to that. I really doubt we’ll ever have this magical machine that seems to run forever. Sure, there are ideas for a nuclear powered space engine, but even that has significant limitations. There aren’t going to be beryllium spheres and what not. I just don’t see it in our future. Maybe it’ll happen if aliens give it to us. Personalized SpacecraftYes, I’m saying it. I don’t think we’ll ever have personalized spacecraft, as in ships that you own by yourself in the same way you own a car. Rich people may have them, but rich people don’t count. I don’t think space will ever become cheap enough that anyone can just buy a ship and shoot off into space. How everyone can afford spaceships in Star Wars is beyond me. I think all space-based travel will be strictly controlled and expensive. Companies will most likely be the ones owning private ships, and even then, those ships will be heavily restricted and expensive. However, even though I think this I will continue writing about it. Why? Because let’s face it, it’s really not very entertaining to write SF where most everybody waits in line for years just to

World in the Satin Bag

Selling Stuff For Food

As the title says, I’m selling stuff so I can eat. Okay, it’s not that bad, but it’d be nice to have a few extra bucks and what not to make surviving next month easier or some such nonsense. So if you look here or click on the link that says “My Amazon Store” on the left there, you’ll find all the nifty things I’m selling. They’re all books, but maybe there’s a topic of interest in there for you. They’re “technically” school books, but since I’m a lit major that means I get to read real books rather than text books, which is very important to my sanity. So, there you go. If you see anything you like, buy it. It’s all cheap stuff anyway! Thanks! (Don’t click the read more, there isn’t any more after this!)

World in the Satin Bag

Star Wars: A Letter to George Lucas

Dear Mr. Lucas,This letter is in conjunction with many posts across the web–the World Wide Web, if you will, since you seem somewhat out of touch with popular culture as of late–at places like SF Signal. These posts have been about the fate of Star Wars and what could very well save it from what could be an assured painful death.We were all relatively ecstatic about the original Star Wars movies. The first film was a fantastic romp, a space opera that gave us the adventure we all wanted and didn’t take itself too seriously. Then there came The Empire Strikes Back, which took us somewhere darker than A New Hope and showed us just how complex the Star Wars universe could be while maintaining it’s fun, high-flying adventurous side. Finally we were shown Return of the Jedi, which tried to go backwards to the not-too-serious feel of A New Hope with it’s epic battle of furry teddy bears and comical Wookie nonsense. I will likely be stabbed for saying this, but Return of the Jedi is by far my favorite movie set in the Star Wars universe–as a child I was more interested in the amazing space battles than I was the lightsaber fights, and I’m still amazed by those same space battles to this day.And then you brought us the prequels. Not only was this a generally stupid idea–prequels to movies that already provided us the answers aren’t generally good ideas anyway, considering your prequels only offered us the “how did Vader become Vader” stuffs–but it didn’t exactly work. No offense to you or the people you chose to play your characters, but the original trilogy had better acting and writing than these three did, with the third prequel–Revenge of the Sith–being a possible exception. Okay, perhaps that is a lie, but most fans of your work, and even non-fans, are willing to admit that Revenge of the Sith is the best of the prequels hands down. The problems with the prequels are too many to list here, and you are probably either completely ignorant of them due to some sort of intention to ignore the critics of your work or you just don’t care. I lean towards the former because I do believe that you think your work is of excellent quality and simply don’t pay attention to the folks who are pleading with you to do what you need to do. This means you won’t read what I am writing here.Star Wars is in desperate need of an overhaul, but you, Mr. Lucas, are using your power of control to kill it. Is this intentional? Do you want your beloved universe to die? Would you deprive millions of fans and millions of would-be fans from the wealth of stories that are still left to be told in visual form?Well, that’s why I’m writing this letter: to tell you want you need to do to save Star Wars, to make it better than it is today, to make it wanted and desirable by more than just your obsessed, die-hard fans–the kinds who have bought all your toys since the beginning, who drool whenever Star Wars is mentioned, and name their adopted foreign children after your characters. And, to make it convenient for you, I am going to put it in a list: Don’t direct.I know, you want control, but remember what made your previous films so much better? You didn’t direct them all and sometimes OTHER people can see the mistakes that you don’t. Any creative writer will know this, which is why there are critique groups and the like out there to help us get better at writing. You are not impervious to mistakes. You have vision. I won’t take that away from you. But you also have flaws, and they are apparent on all levels. Let someone else have the reins.Seriously, this isn’t a bad thing. You can still have veto power, but you should definitely leave some of the decisions to someone else. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve already opened up the Star Wars universe to other writers, why not open up other aspects of it to other people? You can still be involved, but perhaps you should take an executive or producer position instead of being in the hot seat. Stop with the prequel or between-trilogies crap.I don’t care what happened between The Attack of the Clones and The Revenge of the Sith. There was a short mini-cartoon that covered that and that was all I needed. Why? Because it wasn’t an after-thought. It was a teaser, a little bit of Star Wars to tide me over while I waited for you to hurry up and get the last movie out. Now I just don’t care. I know Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. I know how. I know what happens after that too. Every time you try to cram stuff between the movies you strain my patience. Start digging into the world that follows Return of the Jedi.Let’s face it, if you were to look into the things that immediately followed the last of the Star Wars movies–chronologically speaking–there would be a plethora of stories that could be told. What happens to the empire after the second Death Star is destroyed? It doesn’t just crumble and the rebellion doesn’t win right then and there without any more fighting. Far from it. What are the ramifications of the rebellion’s actions? Hmm? Surely there are a lot of innocent people who are affected by Luke Skywalker and his pals, right? And there are all sorts of stories worth telling visually in the expanded universe novels. What about making a trilogy that follows the New Republic or Mara Jade or the myriad of other equally interesting tales?Why am I saying this? Because WE, the people who make it possible for you to keep making movies, want something new. Prequel crap isn’t new to us anymore and wasn’t really all that new to begin with.

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